Good News!

I received notice today

that Judge GLW

signed an order

to revise my support payments,

and they are revised

to reflect an increase!

Tangled Thoughts and Worthless Wishes

This week, I've done a lot of photography, walking, posting on other blogs. I wrote letters to medical billing offices and an accountant; but, I haven't made any progress with the divorce process. Then, again, I'm not sure what that would be right now.

I can't quite describe what I'm feeling. I wrote to someone today,

"It dawned on me yesterday that going through a life changing experience like a divorce is not the best time for a spiritual makeover. It is really hard, most times dark, and disconcerting. And it makes me chide myself for not doing better."

I've made a couple of lists to help keep me on track - with so many balls in the air, I'm afraid I'm going to drop one or two or three? Things I want to do everyday, things that need immediate attention, and the long term or on-going projects.

I wonder if what I'm experiencing emotionally, practically, spiritually is normal for where I am in this process? I am realizing that lack of sleep is my worst enemy, and along with that is wishing. The saying goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." The fact is, wishes aren't horses or anything of the nature to get you anywhere you want to go - so, it's better to get practical.

It takes effort to frequently re-adjust my focus - to pull myself out of the tangle of so many concerns and to think clearly and strongly. I find myself having to do that over and over again. There are many things in my life that are like weak or loose boards on a rope bridge. I'm afraid to put my foot on any board because of the unstableness, and the unpredictability of what will happen. I'm part way across the bridge - not nearly even half way. I have no intention of turning back. But, I feel stuck here, in spite of needing to take a step forward.

Surgery and Divorce

It's been a couple of difficult weeks, but, hey! Who said getting a divorce would be easy? I've been thinking lately that the process of divorce is like surgery.

Generally, you have surgery because something needs repair or removal. If it needs removal, it is bad and you don't want to keep it. So, you mentally prepare yourself for what's ahead - the hospital, the anesthetic, the pain which follows, the bills, and the recovery period. You are well aware that this will not be a walk in the park, and yet, you go through with it anyway - because you know it is the best decision.

Now, once you've had the surgery, everyone thinks you should be jumping up and down - feeling no pain! I mean, where's your drive and good humor? My goodness, you've gotten rid of the ugly thing!

It would be ridiculous for anyone to really think like that because most people know that it takes time to heal and recouperate. There's still pain from the trauma of the surgery and weakness in that area of your body.

Divorce is like surgery. You know that the relationship you have with your spouse is not good, not healthy, and it's not going to get better. The best decision is to remove yourself from them, and even though you may have thought about it, researched it, and planned carefully - it doesn't minimize the pain or struggles (or the bills!) that follow.

I have to remind myself that what I am going through is huge and many people in my life don't understand what it is like to actually go through a divorce. Their expectations are different than my reality.

Sometimes, I get so low emotionally and physically. Last week, there were a number of things that all came down at once. X2b sent medical bills back to me that he had said he would pay. A conversation with my attorney didn't leave me feeling very positive or capable. Interrogatories came from the opposing counsel - asking questions that make me feel like my privacy is being violated. The bank balance is dwindling because of the cut in my support. I haven't found a job. I haven't found financing for education for the fall quarter. And, on top of everything, I'm dealing with allergies or a virus, so I don't have energy to do the sorting and clearing out I would like to do (while I'm waiting for other things to happen).

Does any of this surprise me? No! Do I want to turn back? NO! But, that still doesn't minimize the pain. I knew that I had to go through this surgery. I had to have something ugly taken out of my life. I knew that the recovery period was going to be intense. But, I still chose to go through with it, because it is the best choice for me.

Someday, life will be different. The effects of the surgery will have resolved, faded. My muscles will get stronger everyday, and soon, I will be as good as new - or better! Just as it is when you recover from a successful surgery.

Weird Experience at Job Interview

I arrived early, put on my lipstick, finished a phone call, and did a mental rehearsal of how I wanted to present myself at the interview before getting out of the van.

The deep melon colored geraniums, against the pale yellow siding, caught my attention as I walked up the path to the house in the afternoon sun. I was still gazing at them as I rang the doorbell. No answer.

Though I couldn't hear any sounds inside the house, an agitated crow flew from one tree to another in the front yard - cawing constantly. I began to have some weird feelings.

A couple of minutes later, I rang the bell again. I was a bit early and thoughts waffled in my mind about why no one was answering the door. I turned toward the street to check the mailbox for the address number. Down the sidewalk a black cat walked - right past the yellow house. I'm not superstitious but, a black crow and a black cat before a job interview? I let my imagination wander - more weird feelings.

I finally decided to call "Deb" with whom I had made the appointment for the job interview. Maybe I got the appointment time wrong. I had made that kind of mistake last week for my daughter's Compass Test at the college. I found the number in my iPhone. There was no answer - I left a voicemail.

A scrawny white cat walked up the path from the back of the house. It had dirt or something in the corners of its eyes, which made the cat look cranky. Its slow and gentle steps reminded me of a little old lady. Even though the cat didn't make one sound, I imagined that someone would somehow know it was there and would magically open the door. The cat was within a nose width from the door, almost sat down, and the door opened! Really weird feeling!

I asked for Deb. She was down in the "school" in the basement.

To make a longer story shorter, the interview wasn't really an interview. Deb was very nice, told me all about herself and her school; showed me around the place and told me the hours she needed a teacher's aide to fill. Unfortunately, she wanted an aide only 3 hours a day and I would be working just when my daughter would be coming home from school.

All things considered, I didn't take the job.

Emotions, Again....

Why is it so hard to stay on top of emotions? Why can't I stay on an even keel for very long? The last week has been good, productive and encouraging, even though it wasn't perfect or without its challenges. I should be feeling happy?
But, tonight? Ugh!
I had a good day - lots of photography, some painting, no housework. But, I'm frustrated and I feel sad because stuff in the here and now still gets between me and where I want to be.
I feel discouraged.
I don't want to go to church tomorrow.
I'm tired and I can think of plenty of things to do besides going to church. My lack of connection here with people or organizations is very vivid tonight.
*******
I told my sister, in reference to my strength and productivity at my age, that some days are really good; most days feel flat; and, some days go no where at all.
I think emotions can be like that, too. Right now in my life, some days emotions are very positive; most days they are more flat; and some days, they are negative.
Well, that's better than a year ago when most days emotions were negative; so I guess, over all, I am going forward? And really, that's a good thing! I need to remember that it's not any given moment that determines my progress - it's the graph of the big picture that shows the gradual climb.
Well, that makes me feel a little better...

The Beauty of My Time

This morning I put a CD of classical music in my stereo as I got ready to paint. I've imagined what it would be like to have the time, not only to create, but to do so while listening to classical music or to paint "plein air" (outdoors).

Interestingly, I was using watercolor to paint a sky blue viola flower and woven into the familar classical pieces were nature sounds - mostly bird songs and the sound of running water - all of which added a much fuller experience to the time I spent painting.

At one point, when I stood up to stretch my legs a bit - I found myself dancing for a minute or two! I was so happy and inspired! It was a wonderful hour. It was my wonderful hour.
The pressures and stresses of the past are fading more with each day that passes. I am learning to enjoy the decision process of how I will spend my time, my money, my energy, and eventually, my life.
There was time when I was too overwhelmed by the separation process and what I was leaving when I just needed to rest. I had to depend on people I trusted to help me make decisions during the past year. And that is OK. I'm not ashamed that I needed help then. I am very thankful for close friends and family members who have watched out for and cared for me during that time.

But, recently, I feel I am regaining my strength (maybe even acquired strength I didn't have before!), my person, and my time. Now, I feel I can begin planning tomorrow, or next week, or my education goals.

I know I can't take a vacation forever, but, I also know I don't have to hurry. I can take my time. Because the beauty of it is - it is my time.

Quiet, but busy...

Things seem to be somewhat quiet the last couple of days. I'm waiting to hear the ruling on a reconsideration for more support. I received a copy of the document my attorney filed last week and was very happy with his presentation. Here's hoping for a good judgement call.

Things are ok at home. My daughter is making lots of friends at school - since there are no boyfriends on the radar. This week she's had a couple of moody moments, but thankfully, we can communicate about them so there's not as much tension as there was months ago. Instead of either of us being afraid that we are the cause of the other's bad mood, we ask - not only does that give us relief (that we're not in trouble), but it also helps the other person let go of some of the tension within herself. That's a huge step in our relationship!

I am working on my photography, painting and writing. This week, I've started a watercolor painting - I want to have the paint brush in my hand everyday. I've been studying my camera book and taking photos everyday - getting excited as some of the camera dynamics are making sense to me. I've been writing daily for my blogs - more than I have in a long time.

I feel that I am being productive and progressing and that every moment is an investment in myself for the future. Besides all of this "fun," I am looking for employment!

Searching for scholarships or grants for my education in the fall is time consuming. Seems like so many dead ends. But, I am not discouraged and I will keep looking under the rocks until I find some financial assistance, at least for my tuition.

With Spring, comes an anticipation for possibilities and growth, even within myself. I don't have many details figured out, but I do feel good things in the air for me, right now, and for the future.