Rethinking the Journey

Good News!

2010-06-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

I received notice today

that Judge GLW

signed an order

to revise my support payments,

and they are revised

to reflect an increase!

Tangled Thoughts and Worthless Wishes

2010-06-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

This week, I've done a lot of photography, walking, posting on other blogs. I wrote letters to medical billing offices and an accountant; but, I haven't made any progress with the divorce process. Then, again, I'm not sure what that would be right now.

I can't quite describe what I'm feeling. I wrote to someone today,

"It dawned on me yesterday that going through a life changing experience like a divorce is not the best time for a spiritual makeover. It is really hard, most times dark, and disconcerting. And it makes me chide myself for not doing better."

I've made a couple of lists to help keep me on track - with so many balls in the air, I'm afraid I'm going to drop one or two or three? Things I want to do everyday, things that need immediate attention, and the long term or on-going projects.

I wonder if what I'm experiencing emotionally, practically, spiritually is normal for where I am in this process? I am realizing that lack of sleep is my worst enemy, and along with that is wishing. The saying goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." The fact is, wishes aren't horses or anything of the nature to get you anywhere you want to go - so, it's better to get practical.

It takes effort to frequently re-adjust my focus - to pull myself out of the tangle of so many concerns and to think clearly and strongly. I find myself having to do that over and over again. There are many things in my life that are like weak or loose boards on a rope bridge. I'm afraid to put my foot on any board because of the unstableness, and the unpredictability of what will happen. I'm part way across the bridge - not nearly even half way. I have no intention of turning back. But, I feel stuck here, in spite of needing to take a step forward.

Surgery and Divorce

2010-06-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of difficult weeks, but, hey! Who said getting a divorce would be easy? I've been thinking lately that the process of divorce is like surgery.

Generally, you have surgery because something needs repair or removal. If it needs removal, it is bad and you don't want to keep it. So, you mentally prepare yourself for what's ahead - the hospital, the anesthetic, the pain which follows, the bills, and the recovery period. You are well aware that this will not be a walk in the park, and yet, you go through with it anyway - because you know it is the best decision.

Now, once you've had the surgery, everyone thinks you should be jumping up and down - feeling no pain! I mean, where's your drive and good humor? My goodness, you've gotten rid of the ugly thing!

It would be ridiculous for anyone to really think like that because most people know that it takes time to heal and recouperate. There's still pain from the trauma of the surgery and weakness in that area of your body.

Divorce is like surgery. You know that the relationship you have with your spouse is not good, not healthy, and it's not going to get better. The best decision is to remove yourself from them, and even though you may have thought about it, researched it, and planned carefully - it doesn't minimize the pain or struggles (or the bills!) that follow.

I have to remind myself that what I am going through is huge and many people in my life don't understand what it is like to actually go through a divorce. Their expectations are different than my reality.

Sometimes, I get so low emotionally and physically. Last week, there were a number of things that all came down at once. X2b sent medical bills back to me that he had said he would pay. A conversation with my attorney didn't leave me feeling very positive or capable. Interrogatories came from the opposing counsel - asking questions that make me feel like my privacy is being violated. The bank balance is dwindling because of the cut in my support. I haven't found a job. I haven't found financing for education for the fall quarter. And, on top of everything, I'm dealing with allergies or a virus, so I don't have energy to do the sorting and clearing out I would like to do (while I'm waiting for other things to happen).

Does any of this surprise me? No! Do I want to turn back? NO! But, that still doesn't minimize the pain. I knew that I had to go through this surgery. I had to have something ugly taken out of my life. I knew that the recovery period was going to be intense. But, I still chose to go through with it, because it is the best choice for me.

Someday, life will be different. The effects of the surgery will have resolved, faded. My muscles will get stronger everyday, and soon, I will be as good as new - or better! Just as it is when you recover from a successful surgery.

Weird Experience at Job Interview

2010-05-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

I arrived early, put on my lipstick, finished a phone call, and did a mental rehearsal of how I wanted to present myself at the interview before getting out of the van.

The deep melon colored geraniums, against the pale yellow siding, caught my attention as I walked up the path to the house in the afternoon sun. I was still gazing at them as I rang the doorbell. No answer.

Though I couldn't hear any sounds inside the house, an agitated crow flew from one tree to another in the front yard - cawing constantly. I began to have some weird feelings.

A couple of minutes later, I rang the bell again. I was a bit early and thoughts waffled in my mind about why no one was answering the door. I turned toward the street to check the mailbox for the address number. Down the sidewalk a black cat walked - right past the yellow house. I'm not superstitious but, a black crow and a black cat before a job interview? I let my imagination wander - more weird feelings.

I finally decided to call "Deb" with whom I had made the appointment for the job interview. Maybe I got the appointment time wrong. I had made that kind of mistake last week for my daughter's Compass Test at the college. I found the number in my iPhone. There was no answer - I left a voicemail.

A scrawny white cat walked up the path from the back of the house. It had dirt or something in the corners of its eyes, which made the cat look cranky. Its slow and gentle steps reminded me of a little old lady. Even though the cat didn't make one sound, I imagined that someone would somehow know it was there and would magically open the door. The cat was within a nose width from the door, almost sat down, and the door opened! Really weird feeling!

I asked for Deb. She was down in the "school" in the basement.

To make a longer story shorter, the interview wasn't really an interview. Deb was very nice, told me all about herself and her school; showed me around the place and told me the hours she needed a teacher's aide to fill. Unfortunately, she wanted an aide only 3 hours a day and I would be working just when my daughter would be coming home from school.

All things considered, I didn't take the job.

Emotions, Again....

2010-05-22T22:15:00.001-07:00

Why is it so hard to stay on top of emotions? Why can't I stay on an even keel for very long? The last week has been good, productive and encouraging, even though it wasn't perfect or without its challenges. I should be feeling happy?
But, tonight? Ugh!
I had a good day - lots of photography, some painting, no housework. But, I'm frustrated and I feel sad because stuff in the here and now still gets between me and where I want to be.
I feel discouraged.
I don't want to go to church tomorrow.
I'm tired and I can think of plenty of things to do besides going to church. My lack of connection here with people or organizations is very vivid tonight.
*******
I told my sister, in reference to my strength and productivity at my age, that some days are really good; most days feel flat; and, some days go no where at all.
I think emotions can be like that, too. Right now in my life, some days emotions are very positive; most days they are more flat; and some days, they are negative.
Well, that's better than a year ago when most days emotions were negative; so I guess, over all, I am going forward? And really, that's a good thing! I need to remember that it's not any given moment that determines my progress - it's the graph of the big picture that shows the gradual climb.
Well, that makes me feel a little better...

The Beauty of My Time

2010-05-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I put a CD of classical music in my stereo as I got ready to paint. I've imagined what it would be like to have the time, not only to create, but to do so while listening to classical music or to paint "plein air" (outdoors).

Interestingly, I was using watercolor to paint a sky blue viola flower and woven into the familar classical pieces were nature sounds - mostly bird songs and the sound of running water - all of which added a much fuller experience to the time I spent painting.

At one point, when I stood up to stretch my legs a bit - I found myself dancing for a minute or two! I was so happy and inspired! It was a wonderful hour. It was my wonderful hour.
The pressures and stresses of the past are fading more with each day that passes. I am learning to enjoy the decision process of how I will spend my time, my money, my energy, and eventually, my life.
There was time when I was too overwhelmed by the separation process and what I was leaving when I just needed to rest. I had to depend on people I trusted to help me make decisions during the past year. And that is OK. I'm not ashamed that I needed help then. I am very thankful for close friends and family members who have watched out for and cared for me during that time.

But, recently, I feel I am regaining my strength (maybe even acquired strength I didn't have before!), my person, and my time. Now, I feel I can begin planning tomorrow, or next week, or my education goals.

I know I can't take a vacation forever, but, I also know I don't have to hurry. I can take my time. Because the beauty of it is - it is my time.

Quiet, but busy...

2010-05-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be somewhat quiet the last couple of days. I'm waiting to hear the ruling on a reconsideration for more support. I received a copy of the document my attorney filed last week and was very happy with his presentation. Here's hoping for a good judgement call.

Things are ok at home. My daughter is making lots of friends at school - since there are no boyfriends on the radar. This week she's had a couple of moody moments, but thankfully, we can communicate about them so there's not as much tension as there was months ago. Instead of either of us being afraid that we are the cause of the other's bad mood, we ask - not only does that give us relief (that we're not in trouble), but it also helps the other person let go of some of the tension within herself. That's a huge step in our relationship!

I am working on my photography, painting and writing. This week, I've started a watercolor painting - I want to have the paint brush in my hand everyday. I've been studying my camera book and taking photos everyday - getting excited as some of the camera dynamics are making sense to me. I've been writing daily for my blogs - more than I have in a long time.

I feel that I am being productive and progressing and that every moment is an investment in myself for the future. Besides all of this "fun," I am looking for employment!

Searching for scholarships or grants for my education in the fall is time consuming. Seems like so many dead ends. But, I am not discouraged and I will keep looking under the rocks until I find some financial assistance, at least for my tuition.

With Spring, comes an anticipation for possibilities and growth, even within myself. I don't have many details figured out, but I do feel good things in the air for me, right now, and for the future.

The Pause That Refreshes

2010-05-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Quiet Evening Meal

~~~

Fresh Rosemary Panini Bread

Pat of Butter

Sliced Havarti Cheese

Pinot Noir

~~~

The golden glow of the setting sun

The sound of bird songs on the aire

The confident peace when day is done

that

~All will be well~

Growth by Intention

2010-05-17T20:50:00.002-07:00

(Canon Rebel Xsi, 1.4 lens)

No matter how discouraged I may feel
I will strive to grow.

I will do what I can
to achieve progress in my life
for my present
and for my future.

I will accomplish what I can
and then try to go one step farther.

I will not waste my time brooding
over what happened in the past
or what I feel is unjust in the present.

In a positive way
I will use
my energies
my thoughts
my resources
and
my time
to further grow in my life
beginning today -
every day

This Week in Louise's Life

2010-05-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

This past week: Monday - Friday
Took daughter to school every morning
Took daughter for 1st pedicure (Christmas gift coupon)

Took photos on 5 days
Edited photos on 5 days
Posted on blogs 17 times
Studied 3 photographers and their work
Studied camera book 2 times

Emailed attorney
Phone conversation with attorney
Emailed X2B
Family Court 2 hours

College - drop off paperwork for financial aid
Employment Agency to fill out application
Checked Classifieds 2 times

House cleaning 4 days
Cleaned litter box 3 times
Cleaned and filled bird feeders 2 times

Grocery trips 2 times
Cooked 4 evening meals

Visit with friend
Long phone conversations with sister 2 times
Coffee with two daughters

Watched 1 movie and 2 episodes of British series
Read for pleasure 1 time
Walk - 1 time

Now, where in the world I am going to find time to go to college full time AND go to work?

Certified Nurse Assistant Training - Week 1?

2010-05-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

After the judge told me to go get a job, I went to Work Source Employment Agency to fill out assessments, create a resume, and start applying for jobs. The person who was my contact there (I'll call him Ron) gave me a couple of referrals for jobs right away and then told me about the Certified Nurse Assistant Training Program at the local college.
I thought this would be a good opportunity, and even if I didn't get a job as a CNA, there are lots of benefits in getting the certification. I would be able to include it on future resumes. The CPR, First Aid, and HIV/AIDS Certifications are included in the training and required for almost all employment in schools. It would serve as proof of my attempting to find employment, and even though it isn't in the field of work I eventually would like to be in, it would help me earn some cash for school or whatever.
I got in under the wire and began to look forward to it.
I've been a "stay-at-home" mom for 30 years. I've home schooled my six children and have not been in the public forum - education or employment - for years. The experience of this past week has been quite a culture shock.
Ten adults crammed into a room smaller than 20x20. There are two hospital beds, shelves of medical supplies, a table with a fax machine and textbooks, and three more tables in a U-shape with ten chairs. Under the best of human relations, not a good situation to be in for 7 hours.
Unfortunately, we have anything BUT the best of human relations in the room. Four of the ten students are women between 35-45 years old. They are all smokers, have trouble keeping jobs, are on public assistance and know all the avenues through which to get all they can - free. They are loud, rude, and as self-centered as 5 year olds.
I have never been a group like this or seen this type of behavior among adults in my entire life. They think nothing of talking over the instructor and when a question is asked, all four start talking loudly at the same time! When there is a group/problem solving exercise, they all talk immediately, at once, repeat themselves over and over again, and get sulky (to put it mildly) when the group doesn't do what they want.
Friday was a fiasco. The whining and complaining about the group project went on until the rest of us realized there was no chance of redirecting because of the momentum and force of their attitudes. So a project that had been worked on for days, and needed one more contact, was abandoned and literally "went to the dogs" - the new project is for the group to go to the humane society to walk dogs. Unbelievable.
But, later, the fires got heated up during the group/problem solving time and all of the self-centered emotions flared up! All at the same time, there was a woman crying, a woman doubled over laughing, and a woman talking uncontrollably at top capacity, and the instructor repeating herself, "TIME OUT, M...!"
Three of us, who are on the same page, somewhat, rolled out eyes in unbelief. We almost packed up and left. The instructor's last resort was to call a break - "Everyone go in a different direction for ten minutes!"
I've been home for a couple of days seriously evaluating what I should do. Can I take 7 more weeks in this class? Can I handle, or do I even want to handle, the stress of the noise and confusion and volatile emotions?
If it was something connected with what I eventually want to do - maybe.
If it was in a different setting - maybe.
If I was getting paid to do the training - maybe.
If it wasn't so long a time - maybe.
But, honestly, I feel life is too short to have to be remain in this kind of situation - especially if I don't have to be.

The Other Woman

2010-04-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

As I sat in church, watching everyone go up to get the communion elements, a lady came to me, looked intently in my face, stroked my arm and said, "Hi, Diane. I'm Jan. We're so glad you're here - so glad to see you." I had never met her before and wondered how she knew my name.

I found out today, she is "the other woman."

Employment Agency

2010-04-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

I went to an employment agency this morning - filled out paperwork, answered questions, got a brief lesson on resume writing and made a rough draft of one.
Since I've not had much employment in over 30 years, the "counselor" said I had transferable skills. So, I listed all the things I have done pertaining to children, education, administrative work in ministry and technical skills. I was given a referral for a job opening with a school for a Teacher's Aide position.

I could hear some of the other people in conference with counselors. There were various stories about why they had lost their jobs, why they didn't want to take a job that was open to them, and some who really didn't want to work at all. It was depressing listening to their tone of voice.

I left the office feeling a bit lost. My daughter works just a couple of blocks away, so I got us some coffee and stopped in for a visit during her lunch break. She is an absolute jewel and, somehow, I think she lives a drama vicariously through me. (She is an actress with the local theatre and also an excellent writer). We talked about her dad, my visit to the church, the other woman, and my new chapter of looking for work. Her enthusiasm usually spills out and energizes me, but today, it seemed to bounce off my black jacket and wore me out. It wasn't her fault. I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

I have a bunch of paperwork to fill out tomorrow - fax my resume to the school, fill out Fafsa application, scholarship applications for college, census worker application, bills, etc. I am still in hopes of getting financing to cover my college education.

The settlement conference for the divorce is scheduled for mid-August. Until then, I need to find work, keep busy clearing stuff out, exercise, spend time with my kids, paint, photograph, write and rest.

It's really difficult to stay motivated when reality is so discouraging but, I have to keep moving forward or I will not only feel stuck, I will be stuck, and then I won't get anything done. I have to get my eyes above the present mess of emotions and details. I have to keep aiming for the goal - my freedom, my peace, my life the way I want to live it.

Court and Church

2010-04-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I could do it. I wasn't sure what it would feel like. There was no way I could predict what could happen.
Today, I went to the church my X2B and I started three years ago - which I left a year ago when I filed for the divorce and which he still pastors.
On Friday, I was at the court house asking the court to order temporary support in the hopes that the judge would order X2B to pay what he had been paying before he arbitrarily cut my support by $400.00 a month. X2B didn't even show up for the hearing. The judge looked at his financial declaration and pretty much split X2B's income between us - which amounts to a $900.00 a month cut for me now, and I receive only $100.00 more a month than he keeps - because I have the daughter.
It was quite a shock. Instead of the judge seeing Spring as a time when X2B's business will begin to pick up again, he said that Spring is a good time for me to look for part time work - because, as he stated, "If you only work part time and earn $600.00 a month, that, in addition to the maintenance and child support, will almost meet your needs." Sounds like a great idea?
So, where do I look for work? How do I go to school full time and work? Can I find work during the hours that my daughter is in school? (My attorney assured me that she would be ok on her own for just a couple of hours after school - if I wasn't able to get home by the time she does!)
How is it that after 30 years, he can so easily be relieved of responsibility?
I've been through the first waves of strong anger, taking the action on his part personally. Feelings of the injustice of the court system can make my head spin - there are no logical answers or formulas.
Today I went to the church. I didn't know if I'd be allowed in the door. I wasn't sure how X2B would react. I had no way of knowing what might happen or what people would say. But, I am not going to let him control my life any longer. I'm not going to keep running from him and let him keep me from my friends or family where ever that may be.
I was very surprised at the calm and strength inside of me. I was surprised by the welcome I received from most of the (women) there. A couple of men greeted me very warmly - most looked at me with a look I couldn't discern. Basically, I felt like the spotlight of goodness was shining on me from the moment I walked in the door, so I could smile freely and genuinely reconnect with my friends in spite of the presence of the one who is my rival right now.
When my daughter and I were leaving, she made me laugh. She was convinced I was there to "check out the other woman!" And, of course, you know she would think that scandalous. I assured her that was not the case - and jokingly said, "I figured if your dad could find another woman there, then I might be able to find another man there." She begged me not to - and we laughed some more.

It WILL Get Worse Before It Gets Better - and that's OK!

2010-04-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Even though I can enumerate the problems, it doesn't mean I'm complaining about them. And, even though I can tell you it is a royal pain in the neck to have to deal with court hearing postponements, messed up communication with attorneys, income tax return complications, selfish X2Bs (that's what I'll call him from now on!), and a whole lot of other unfair garbage one has to deal with in order to reach a settlement and finalize a divorce - it doesn't mean I would go back to the way things were.

I can tell you this - THE PAIN AND TROUBLE RIGHT NOW IS SO WORTH IT, BECAUSE WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, I WON'T BE CONNECTED WITH ANYMORE OF HIS DEBTS OR THE RESULTS OF HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY - EVER AGAIN!

Temporary Court Orders

2010-04-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow...

I go to court for temporary court orders for child support, maintenance and visitation.

"He" is in a relationship (that didn't take long!) and wants to end this quickly - and with the least amount of investment on his part as possible.

The path to settling this divorce amicably is blocked by his desire to cut back support drastically and quickly.

I have hired a good attorney with money I don't have - to protect my future and that of the children who live with me.

I know that I have not been unreasonable.

I am alarmed by his change of character.

I am angered by his blatant demonstration of lack of responsibility.

I hurt for his kids who are seeing a side of him they never knew because I covered up for him for 30 years.

HOW SELFISH CAN YOU GET????????

2010-04-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

When a couple is separated and there have been no temporary court orders, and the divorce is not final, there seems to be a lot of gray areas in logistics. For example - in some eyes, I am separated but still connected to his income figures which disqualifies me for financial assistance, e.g., school funding. To others, I am divorced. The money I receive from "him" is income and I have to account for that with the IRS.

"He" decided that he wanted to be sure to file to his best advantage, so he had an accountant do both of our income tax reports. He claimed all the money he gave to me as alimony (which he could deduct) - no child support was reported (which I would have been able to deduct) and, of course, he took the child credit (even though he never paid child support - according to his filing).

To add insult to injury, there was a bill from the accountant for the work she had done on my taxes, even though I had not asked for mine to be done; and, of course, he refused to pay. When I confronted him about this whole situation, he got angry, yelled, "You need to take responsibility for your own finances!" and hung up the phone before the conversation was finished.

This morning, I found out that he had discussed the custodial issues with our daughter. She said he told her that he was going to ask to have her live with him one week a month and that she could come over any time she wanted aside from that week. In his actual written proposal, he had only asked for one week and one other weekend.

I had been suspicious that there was another woman in the mix. A few months ago, he had changed his wardrobe - dramatically, and his attitude - practically demanding the divorce be finalized immediately - all for his benefit, again. (Do you see a recurring theme here?) I found out that my suspicions were correct - he is seeing a woman from the church.

So, in summary, we have a man who, married for 30 years, was irresponsible where his family's financial and legal issues were concerned, never put away for retirement, and was never in a hurry to do anything. Now that he is separated, he has cut his support and threatened to cut it more because he is "broke?"; still takes all the advantages he can; all of a sudden is in a great hurry to cut all ties and is demanding a quick end to the divorce (remember, he was never in a hurry before); and all because he wants to start a new life with another woman. Wow!

I am thankful I hired an attorney and, I have to say, I feel sorry for this woman. Do you think I should I give her this blog address?

2010-03-30T19:03:00.001-07:00

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it;

if you can dream it, you can become it.”

William Arthur Ward

Oh, What a Day!

2010-03-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today isn't over, but it has been long enough already.
Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. She would have been 27 years old, married for 5 years and probably would have had children and a music career going strong. Those were her plans until she was killed when she was skiing with her fiance on Dec. 23rd, 2005. I went to the cemetery today with 27 daffodils and a bleeding heart from my garden. I find it hard to connect with thoughts or feelings when I go there. I wondered, as I stood there, what role she would be playing in all that is going on within the family relationships right now.
Today, I signed the deed to lot 15 - part of a piece of property that has been in my family for five generations. It wasn't just any one of the lots, it was the piece of ground I had grown up thinking I would live on some day. With every lot that sells, a major struggle goes on inside of me and I have to let go of a piece of me. Though I have to let it go every time, it still makes me angry enough that I want to forget about it all - but, I can't. I can't keep it. I can't live there. I can't forget it.
Today, I signed the papers that will go to the court on April 9th for temporary court orders for support and child maintenance. Though I had hoped that we could settle this peaceably, it appears that "he" still wants to call the shots. I can't live on less support, with the threat that it will be even less - subject to his opinion. So, I hired an attorney to represent me.
Today, the weather has been in constant turmoil. Rain, sun, dark clouds and wind, fighting each other for air time and influence on my already fluctuating emotions.
Through it all, I am ok. These are all deep emotional places. I've not rushed through any of it. It is all a part of my life - today. Sometimes, it seems that when it rains, it pours. I have the hope that "the sun will come out - tomorrow..."

Another Crazy Week!

2010-03-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Another packed week with events, encounters and emotions. (How's that for a 3-point alliterated blog post?).

Event: I went to Seattle with my daughter to see my son for his birthday - that was an important relationship builder. It was a good afternoon - Sunshine, Indian food, good coffee, a tour of the oldest area of Seattle in my son's classic mustang.
Encounters? I encountered my son - getting to know who he is after so long. The travel time with my daughter helped build relationship with her. It was a positive time and we needed the laughter and change of scenery after the challenges we dealt with this last winter.

Emotions? Awkward because it was the first time I had seen my son in 15 months. We really couldn't talk because my daughter was there. Happy because it was good to see him - good to be with both of them.

Event: My daughter was in the High School Choir concert.

Encounters? That was the first event where "he" attended also. He came in later, sat several rows away and didn't make an appearance after the concert to congratulate his daughter. Emotions? Proud because she did great! The music was beautiful. Nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Sad for my daughter because, traditionally, the whole family would go out for a treat when anyone in our family performed and she doesn't get that experience. Thankful that he didn't come over to say anything.

Event: In the nitty-gritty of things, I've had computer/printer problems that my son was finally able to resolve; I balanced my financial budget (hadn't recorded receipts since November!) and was shocked by how much I had underestimated some of my expenses. This is not good in the overall picture and hopefully, the court order will help alleviate some of it with getting the support payments back up to the agreed amount.

Encounters? I encountered my own weaknesses -

Emotions? I am afraid because I still don't know how everything is going to work out - afraid that I am going to do or not do something that will have a significant negative impact on the settlement; afraid that I won't be able to go to school full time and it will take much longer to finish; afraid that I won't be able to get where I want to get with my life, in general. I think these are pretty normal emotions for the type of situation I'm in, but I don't want to be handicapped by them.

Events: I've been painting, sketching, walking, watching movies with my kids, and taking pictures.

Encounters? My kids - they are reaching out to me since I've been locked up with the computer for the last 10 weeks. I encountered their humor, their love of life still beating and their deeper thoughts.

Emotions? Happy to be doing somethings that I love to do! Excited to see what I am creating! (though far from perfect!). So thankful for the love and maturing of my kids.

So, yeah, it's been a crazy week! But, I've made it through a little wiser, a little stronger, and a whole lot more thankful for the good things in my life!

The Intense Week in Review

2010-03-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

It is a wonderful feeling to have completed another quarter of college. I took two - five credit courses, but that was plenty for this time in my life. It is also a wonderful feeling to have gotten 4.0 grade point averages in both courses!
From Monday until Thursday it was intense with finishing many assignments - two of which were completed and submitted but had to be redone because I hadn't read the instructions carefully. I filled out a bunch of paperwork (financial declarations and parenting plan) for the attorney and made a trip to his office; made some reservations for a trip; took photos and posted on my blog; had a few emotional melt-downs; and made corned beef and cabbage dinner (on the spur of the moment) for my kids. Needless to say, by Thursday night, I - was - beat!
Early on Friday morning, I left for a day trip with my married daughter. It was an absolutely wonderful time, and one that I really needed with a change of scenery, relief from the pressures of studies, laughter with someone who is so easy to laugh with, delicious Fish & Chips, and a nap on the way home. Though I was so very tired when the day was done, it was the good, happy tired you feel when the day has been well spent.
Today? I didn't do much of anything - and that was good too. I had wanted to do some watercolor and go for a walk, but I got caught up in some sweet thoughts, expressions and communications that filled my soul. I did get my paints and paper out though!
Tomorrow? You never really know what a day will bring forth, but the plan is to take my youngest daughter and go visit my oldest son for the afternoon - but, all the details remain to be seen. I'll try to let you know what happens :)

GREAT ! ! ! Bummed ! ! ! Bleh...

2010-03-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

It was a GREAT day...
until I realized I had not read the instructions carefully for my assignment and had spent six hours on it, finished it and then couldn't use it! Arg! I did pull a second assignment together in record time, though, and posted it along with the first one - Hey! Why not?
Then tonight...I got a call from an acquaintance who is an attorney. She had talked with "him" and wanted to set up a meeting so she could help us come to some agreements about support, etc.
I told her I had hired an attorney and that he would be handling things for me. I would have thought that would be the end of the conversation, but no, she didn't stop talking for a LONG time!
I couldn't quite figure out if she was trying to get information, or if she was defending "him" in some way, or if she was reacting to the fact that I didn't need her "services"?
I didn't talk with her and refrained from taking her bait the many times she put it out there. I kept telling myself, "You don't have to respond to that remark." "She doesn't have any business talking about these things with me." "I don't have to explain anything to her." and "Why doesn't she stop!"
The only reason I didn't hang up on her was because I was afraid that if I perturbed her, she would go back to "him" and make things worse.
Regardless, my heart feels bleh. Her relentless verbal pokes had to do with letting me know that if I expected support for more than a year - forget it! If I thought that the court would do me any favors because of how long I'd been married - forget it!
With that kind of attitude, I'm glad I wasn't in a position to agree to have her mediate a meeting.

"Follow Your Passion" - Harvey Mackay

2010-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I love the timing of things. I just opened a Dove chocolate (after a successful day of finishing and submitting two assignments for college) and it says,

"Keep moving forward; don't look back."

A friend of mine sent me an article today that really gave me a boost of encouragement. I've never heard of Harvey Mackay before, but this one article makes me consider following his column.

http://www.harveymackay.com/columns/column_this_week.cfm

The article is called "Follow Your Passion" and Harvey relates a few stories of people who made career changes toward something that they were passionate about and have come to enjoy success (because the enjoy what they are doing) even though they were major changes and "later in life."

I can get impatient because I don't have answers to my questions that have to do with how old I am, how long it takes to get an education, and how many types of jobs will actually be options for me? I know that I can find "work," but what is the possibility of my being able to do what I would really love doing - and be successful at it, too?

I have to remind myself that if I just keep moving forward, I will find my niche where my passion lies in life. It may not be tomorrow or next month or next year, but this article really helped me see the tangible successes in other people's lives and it whets my appetite for all the possibilities ahead for me.

Legal Representation

2010-03-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

It is Friday and though it feels like the end of the week, it really isn't for me. My school week doesn't end until Wednesday at midnight - and, with it, the Winter Quarter. I feel like things are still manageable - so, I should finish ok.

After thinking about the recent cutbacks in support and how unpredictable and antagonistic "he" has become, I began to feel vulnerable, at risk of being taken advantage of - again. These are feelings to which I am very sensitive to now, and to which I immediately react.

It seems he thinks he has control over the payment amount and if he doesn't want to pay X, then he won't. And as soon as he can get out from having to support us, the better - in his thinking. He is really angry for how I've wronged him by leaving, so "Here's your life (but don't expect me to support you very long)."

I decided to find legal representation to further protect myself from his irresponsibility. I had an appointment, today, with an attorney who was recommended. The more details I related to him, the more interest he showed; and by the time I left, I had decided to hire him because of how he said he viewed my case and how he would handle it.

I walked out of the attorney's office with a stack of paperwork to fill out and feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Even though I wanted a peaceable settlement and we had agreed to try to settle without attorneys, I was overwhelmed with the lack of knowledge as to how to navigate through the process and not knowing how to negotiate the settlement with someone who was becoming more and more uncooperative.

Now, the attorney will handle so much of the process. He's done this many times before. I don't have to deal with the legal learning curve. And, by hiring him, I have freed my mind and emotions to focus on other things that I can and have to manage here.

Experiencing Cutbacks

2010-03-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

It is one thing to be affected by another person's selfishness and bitterness. If it were only I that would have to make the adjustments and live with the loss of conveniences, it would be one thing; but my daughter is affected. She looses what are conveniences for her - and she tries to think of ways to make the money go around so that she can still have the things that are important to her. She wonders, "Is it possible to get on the reduced lunch program at the school instead of having to take a lunch?" and "Can we use the money we're spending on counseling for something else?" "Can I pay you to take me to school in the morning?" My heart aches for her, but I also know that this may be helpful in her learning to appreciate what she has.

I remain optomistic for her - "We can do it!" "It's a bummer, but we'll be ok!" but, she is already discouraged with her dad's lack of support. I'm sure it is discouraging and hurts when dad starts backing out of agreements to provide.

I am going to search out my options for financial assistance for college costs and whatever else I can find. I have appointments with the college counselor and an attorney in a couple of days. Hopefully they can help me find some direction.

Today, I submitted four assignments to my instructors and have two on the front burners. I'm tired tonight, but doing ok. Tomorrow? Here's hoping I can do it again!

Looking at the Week Ahead

2010-03-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a week that will test my skills and stamina! It's not as bad as some, but it will be intense.
It's the last week of the quarter for the college courses I've been studying. There are quite a few assignments I need to complete by the 17th - one of which is intimidating!
I received an email from "him" and he was informing me that he "can't support my living situation to the same degree," so his financial support will be less than what it has been. He is suggesting I get a job and he wants the divorce finalized for his convenience! Ha! I will have to write emails, etc. concerning that.
There has been so much going on with my daughter - boyfriends, lying, inappropriate conversation online, attitudes, wanting to live with her dad and counseling. Some days everything seems ok and then I find out that she's been pretending. It is very wearing on the body and soul.
But, I keep reminding myself that nothing ever stays the same and though I may feel as high as a kite or as low as a snail, in an hour, a day, or a week, it all will change. Thank God!
So, let's hit the sack for tonight and be ready for tomorrow! A new day and an opportunity to make some progress in some way or other! Cheers!

A Duck in the Light

2010-03-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

I was at the park today practicing with my new camera. It was bright and I brought a small lens thinking I would shoot spring flowers, but there wasn't much that caught my eye. I turned my attention to taking long shots of the ducks in the pond - not certain what I would actually get on the SD card.

The more I look at this photo, the more I see myself in it. The duck, leaving the dark area of the water and moving into the light - leaving the harassing duck farther and farther behind.

Divorce is like that. I am leaving a relationship that was unpleasant for many reasons, but I'm also finding that I'm leaving other relationships and that they are leaving me. Some people don't understand how I could even consider divorce (after 30 years), and find me "guilty" of a crime. Some people make it known that they think I should have tried harder - gone to counseling one more time. Some people resent that I "broke up the family." Some even think they know exactly what I should do with my life.

The "quacking duck" is speaking her mind. Trying to ruffle my feathers. Trying to make me feel badly. Trying to take control. But, nothing she says makes me want to change my mind. In fact, her behavior only serves to convince me that in the light is where I want to be!

Holidays and New Days

2010-01-06T07:07:00.001-08:00

It has been a long time since I have posted on this blog - too long.

As a "restructured family" we crossed several of the major holidays since I last wrote. It was a very good experience, all things considered.

Thanksgiving was the first time that all of the kids, that live in the area, sat down together for a meal, here at my house. We didn't celebrate it on Thanksgiving day. Instead, we got together a couple of days earlier, combining it with a belated birthday celebration for one of my sons. Everyone had a good time - laughing, talking, eating, and said that it was the best celebration they had ever remembered. I couldn't have asked for more.

One of the biggest things I learned because of that dinner experience, is that kids love their mom's cooking and how mom's cooking nurtures family relationships. It hadn't ever been so obvious to me, since we had always eaten together as a family. There was so much "yumming" and "Man, this is good stuff!" going on - it was great! They ate like they hadn't eaten in months and they were all "eating" together.
Next, was Christmas. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, again, the "family time" was very positive. They stayed from before 10am until after 8pm, the night of the 27th - eating, exchanging gifts, eating, laughing, playing games, eating, watching movies, eating...I think you get the picture :)

Personally, I enjoyed the changes in the holidays that came as the result of the separation. Because I've started attending a church (of a different denomination), I made discoveries that just added to my Christmas experience. I enjoyed much time in contemplation, since I was alone more than usual. The holidays, and life in general, were less stressful and, I had time to take things in. Having the family over on the 27th was reminiscent of Christmases from my childhood - when Christmas was "felt" between Dec. 24th and Jan. 6th - a very unexpected, delightful surprise!
I attended a Christmas Eve service at 7pm and a midnight mass. I was excited for the first time since I was a child. The anticipation of the music, the readings, the candles, the wreaths, the reverence, the Eucharist - made me feel like dancing inside! I still remember the feeling! It was a wonderfully meaningful experience, with no disappointment.
Now, the holidays are over and the new year has begun. My daughter is back to school and I am studying two courses online. It is still "she and I" - and there are as many changes as there are challenges! Changes that will hopefully help us get through these teen years better than we started with. With counseling, downsizing her privileges, working through what is important and what is not...my constant prayer is, "God, help me!"
Well, that's a brief sketch of what's been going on - I really want to be more regular with this, but life is so big sometimes, that it leaves no time to really write about it! Ahh!

H1N1, Van Problems, Lost Internet and Study Frustrations!

2009-11-18T20:37:00.000-08:00

My daughter has been home for a week with H1N1. My visions of nursing her back to health were dashed more than once, and for as sick as she was for the first few days, she still had enough strength to let me know she didn't put credence in anything I said. There is no easy way to make a 15 year old take Tylenol for a fever (over 100 degrees). How do you convince her to keep her door unlocked so you can check on her in the middle of the night? I've nursed five other kids through many bouts of flu and colds, etc. Is it possible I could have learned a thing or two along the way?
This week has been crazy besides all that; but then, every week has it's twists and turns. I had a bug of some kind, too, and lost momentum. No housework, no school work, not much of anything. All that still awaits.
The van needed a new fuel pump. I was without a vehicle for 24 hours with a sick girl in my house. Then, to make things more interesting, the mechanic told me he's preparing a list of things that need attention. Great! How does one decide where to put the money? Do you make the repairs and continue to drive an eight year old vehicle? Or, do you sell it, get what money you can out of it and then buy a new one?
A few of days ago, we lost internet. Part of the process of finding out the problem meant I had to go under the house. Three times I crawled on my hands and knees down in the four foot deep crawl space on black plastic which covered the ground. I pushed myself past the cobwebs, insulation, and dead rats - yuck - as I followed the cable from the southeast corner to the northwest one! I eventually found that the dog had pulled the cable out and broke it. The wire got fixed soon enough, but my body took longer. Boy, am I out of shape, or was that as hard as I want to think it was?
I made a 45 min trip (one-way) to the dentist with my daughter, only to find out that her father had been notified of a schedule change and he didn't let us know. Wasted time, wasted fuel. Grrrr....
I've lost the better part of a week that I needed for working on the major assignment of the quarter. I'm frustrated because what time I've been able to put into it doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere. Why won't this come together? Where are my thinking powers?
I question who I am and wonder if I'll ever "be" anything.
Well, such are the happenings in the life of one who is beginning to journey down a different road than was once travelled. It is all just a part of life and no matter which road one chooses, there are going to be happenings like this periodically. It has just been one of those weeks. Soon things will get better - they always do :)

The Challenge of Managing Emotions - Mom and Teen

2009-11-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

My 15 yr old daughter is very normal. Under the best of circumstances, she can be "up" one minute and "down" the next. She can be mature beyond her years and then appear totally irrational. She will defy her real feelings, truth and what's right just to be contrary sometimes. All in all, even if all circumstances were "perfect" in her world, it would still be a great challenge to know how to interpret her behavior from one part of the day to the next.

But, the circumstances in her life are anything but "perfect". The dynamic of her parents divorcing, brings many more challenges that affect her emotions than she would normally have to deal with. It can be challenging not to take her frustration personally. Moods and attitudes are often bewildering and since I am the only "bad guy" in her life right now, the first thought is often, "What did I do now?" I am learning that I have to see past how she's acting or what she's saying to find out what is really going on inside.

When we are struggling over an issue like responsibility - not cleaning up after her dog or not getting her back assignments done - she will try to convince me that it would be "better" for her to live more permanently with her dad. "Over there, I can be myself, do what I want as long as I keep my grades up. He's cool with that."
I have to breathe deeply, because that's a moment when I could get angry, panic, feel overwhelmed, or take it personally. But, I am learning to hang in there, ask questions and keep her talking. It helps to let her know that I'm trying to understand her feelings. Maintaining control and concern helps both of us get to the real issue and she eventually figures out that her idea may not be "better" or what she wants after all. Like all teens, she wants freedom, but she wants relationship also, and "over there," she admits, is no relationship.
Now, that all could change in the next 24 hours, but that's the challenge of living with a 15 year old who is learning how to make decisions based on fact and logic, and not to be at the mercy of her unstable emotions. We're both comforted that life won't always be like this.
It is not easy as the parent to hang in there. Patience can wear thin, but losing it doesn't help the situation either. So, I guess you could say, we're both learning how to live above our emotions right now.

Physical and Emotional Injuries

2009-10-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

Physical injuries can happen by repeated movements which create a weakness in a particular area of the body. They can also occur as the result of a very sudden movement or impact with an object outside the body. For instance, the rotator cuff can be injured by lifting an object (not necessarily something heavy) repeatedly, or it can be torn either by lifting a heavier object at a wrong angle or lifting it too quickly.
I lifted a carry-on which was probably too heavy, at a wrong angle, and tore my supraspinatus --- I injured my rotator cuff. I posted about this on Aug. 4th when I was sent for an MRI. That injury happened 6 months ago and today I am still dealing with pain. It takes time to heal and sometimes I forget and do something that sets me back. The pain level reminds me that my injured muscle isn't ready to do that, can't carry that, can't turn that way, or can't even rest in that position.
Though it is frustrating when that arm won't perform normally, it would be ridiculous to expect it to do so. People around me hardly know the extent of the pain I still deal with because I function somewhat normally. They don't know that there are things I cannot do without pain, or do at all. That doesn't mean I'm weak, or bad, or undependable, or incapacitated totally - it just means that the muscle is "broken" and needs to heal; and, it will heal - if I can keep from stressing it. I do what I can and remind myself that it just takes time.
Injuries to our emotions are very much the same as injuries to our bodies. Repeated relational conflicts can create a weak point which eventually gives way to the stress. Sometimes, a more traumatic "one time" crisis will leave the person bleeding emotionally as though they'd been hit by a truck.
As humans, if we don't see blood, we think everything is ok. If we can't see it, we either pretend or forget or really believe "it" doesn't exist. Why am I saying all this?
For the person who has struggled over the decision to divorce, life has been hard, in someway, or divorce wouldn't be a consideration. In my case, I lived with not wanting to consider divorce, and tried to ignore or fix all the reasons divorce would have been a legitimate course of action, for years. By the time I did decide, I was done. I was done dealing with the issues. I was done dealing with the people. I was done with this life as it was. I didn't have it in me anymore and I knew that if I didn't get out, I would be a walking dead person - because emotionally I was empty and I feared having to live the rest of my life like that.
I wasn't suddenly energized to begin my new life when I filed for the divorce. Nothing happened to "fix my brokenness" at that point. Even over a period of 6 months, I know that I have barely begun the process of healing and being restored emotionally. Does the filing or even the finalizing of divorce give you a huge deposit of strength to deal with the issues old or new? No. And as hard as I try to deal with the ongoing issues in my life, I have to remember that I cannot keep lifting the carry-on over my head when I can barely lift a towel - and still expect to get the job done or to heal to any degree.
This acknowledgment helps me put into perspective who I am, what my stats are and "judge" myself accordingly. It's easy to think that I should be managing ok and to then be critical of myself when I don't have the strength to deal with something or have the answers to the myriad of questions in my life or when I have the feelings of wanting to quit or run away. I know that that is not who I am normally - but right now, I am "broken" emotionally - there is a lot of exhaustion and pain that makes it difficult for me to see or to deal with things as I normally would.
I also know, though, that with time I will heal - how long will it take? I don't know. That answer remains to be seen, as, in this case, I don't know when or how to stop lifting the carry-on over my head.

Good to Remember

2009-09-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

During the tough days, when everything around me feels like it's at critical max, then is when I need something beautiful in my life to stimulate that sigh of renewed perspective that says,

"All will be well."

I picked this last bouquet from my garden, yesterday, and I've probably looked at it twenty times and was reminded that, "All will be well."

"All will be well." I know from experience, that conflict with my daughter, is not the end of the world. No matter how many things seem to want to press me, demand my attention, make me feel guilty for not getting them done, I know, "All will be well."

Yes, "All will be well," and even though it doesn't look like it, at any given moment, the truth is, "All IS well!"

First Day of College

2009-09-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day to sign online for English 101. The course doesn't actually get underway until next Thursday; so this first week, Week Zero, is the orientation for the website. I went through several tutorials and will do so again tomorrow. I really appreciate the "warm-up" time.

I had to rework the schedule I had made for myself. My personality does much better with a schedule and actually working my way through the day helped me be realistic about what I wanted and needed at different times of the day.

For instance, I had scheduled a shower almost first thing in the morning, which I am used to; but, my daughter is in the shower then. To take my shower after her means I won't be around to say "Good bye" when she leaves for the bus. So, I have to work my morning a little differently than I am used to. Its ok. Everything still gets done and that's all that really matters to me in the long run.

My daughter is doing well in her second week of high school. Her grades are great! Her disposition is pretty good! And she's building her social circle. I am happy for her.

Well, I'm going to call it a night. I've done a whole lot of reading and writing today and my eyes are feeling like jello, but, I feel really good about today.

New Challenges and Accomplishments

2009-09-16T16:44:00.001-07:00

It has been quite a few days since I've posted. Life has picked up it's pace and I am adjusting to new challenges every day.
My daughter is now attending the local high school as a non-diploma seeking student at the sophomore level. Class schedules, bus schedules, unexpected fees, more texting because there's more friends, papers to sign - ad infinitum, homework, decisions everyday about where and when and how everything fits together in the fixed allotment of 24 hours a day preoccupy our minds. And that's just her life!

Tomorrow I begin my first online college course - English 101. It's both exciting and intimidating. What are the possibilities that lie within me? Will I be able to make the most of the investment of time, money and energy? And how will the class and homework affect my everyday life? !

I am still in transition between married life and divorce. Even though the divorce is not final, I am growing and continuing to go forward in my new life. Taking responsibility for myself, for the decisions I make, is not a cake walk, but I am doing it and am experiencing the joy of freedom. Mastering the new daily demands is exhausting, but rewarding because at the end of every day I can look back with a sense of accomplishment that enables me to take on one more tomorrow.

"Have to" vs. "Want to"

2009-09-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Why does it seem there is never a shortage of things that are unpleasant? Why does it seem easier to see or feel the negatives? We never run out of things we don't like or don't want to do, e.g., bills, schedules, sadness, stress, deadlines, heartache, depression, fear, responsibility.
Why do we feel obligated to do those things that allow for existence but never really produce life? We spend more time doing what we've told ourselves "we have to do" instead of what we'd like to do and when we do what we'd like to do, we feel guilty about it. We cram more things that "have to be done" into the day, but how often do we consider cramming in a breath of fresh air?
Why does it seem that what we want is so often just beyond our reach? How many days have we been overwhelmed because there are so many wonderful things to choose from? Instead, its seems that "wonderful" or "fun" is a fleeting moment which gives us just a taste or it's one relaxing moment in a thousand mundane or stressful ones.
The elusive "break" when this stressful time is over never seems to materialize because when the stressful time is over we find ourselves having fallen headlong into another stressful situation. We don't have time or money to go on vacation because of all the ordinary things that take priority.
Why does it seem that we are limited to dreaming and stuck with reality?
Just wondering...

Confrontations on the Road of Life

2009-09-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

With each day that passes, I feel myself changing. Out of self preservation, years ago, I adopted a non-confrontational attitude. Rather than confront 'him', I let things slide, hoping that natural consequences would bring about change. I was wrong.
Instead of actively training my kids, I let them live pretty irresponsibly by doing things myself because I didn't have the energy or clarity of thinking to deal with each situation as it came up.
We were a household of 'nice' people, but there were many potholes in our lives. Things got more difficult to deal with when I did try to correct the fallacy of my ways. Without support, it just became a dark, confusing, formidable task. I didn't think I would ever see my way out.
Over the last 4 months, with every difficult thing I've had to do, I am gaining strength and focus. Though it is still challenging to drive against the ruts of behavior in me and in the people I'm in relationship with, I am slowly gaining ground.
Today, my daughter took for granted that she could simply notify me that she had youth group tonight. We've been over the expectations many times before. When she said it was time to go, I said, "No, you have not taken care of your responsibilities, and I'm not taking you until you complete them."
Of course, there was the usual attempt to argue and confuse me about who was responsible for the towels. I could feel myself getting confused about how to 'settle' this, when I remembered, "I'm the mom! And I'm not taking you until this is done!" She got it done.
But, then, I noticed what she was wearing and told her it was too revealing. I'm not usually picky about things like that because it's rarely a problem. She tried the same tactics to justify herself and manipulate me.
Again, I felt myself wavering for a moment and I almost backed down - but I didn't! It was easier to stay focused this time, and so I said, "I'm not taking you until you put on a tank!" Which she did.
It was a pretty quiet ride to church, but when she got out of the van, she said, "Thanks."
I still don't like confrontations, but I know that I need to deal with them for my sake. With each one, I gain strength and confidence; my issues become clearer; and, it benefits my relationships making the road a bit easier to travel.

Tough Love with Adult Children

2009-08-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

Tough Love - it's just that.
It's love and it's tough.
It's tough on the one loving and it's tough on the one being loved.
But because it is love, it is only tough when the benefit to the one being loved is greater than the pain of having to be tough and of having to go through tough stuff.
Twenty-one year old son. Brilliant. Good looking. Gifted musician. Many, many friends. Works a steady restaurant job making good money in tips and a decent wage. He could go far and influence many....
Since he doesn't like to 'work' around home, we agreed that he would pay rent instead, and to make it 'easier', I suggested he pay weekly rather than monthly. I also wanted him to mow the lawn - once a week; and clean up after himself in the kitchen.
I didn't think I was asking much. I didn't think it was too much for him to keep track of, but, more often than not, the rent due date would go by - and nothing. The lawn began to look like a field and quite often, the kitchen was a crummy mess.
If I didn't lean on him, he wouldn't fulfill his part of the bargain. Finally, I saw very plainly that this was going to have to come to an end - both for his sake and mine. The longer I let him live at home in his comfort zone, where its easy to 'get away with stuff', the more ingrained his irresponsibility would become.
So, two weeks ago, I told him that things were going to have to change. I wasn't going to let him treat me so disrespectfully; no other landlord would put up with rent money late every month. I told him that I could see he wasn't happy with life here at home and that it would be better for him to find another place to live by the end of the month. That was an extremely tough thing to do for this mother.
Well, he did find another place to live, and today, he packed up and has gone to live with his father. I'm not sure that's the best move, but time will tell.
There's an empty, unsatisfied feeling about it all. None of the other kids left home under these kinds of circumstances. Knowing that he left because he didn't want to pay rent on time , to his mother, or mow the lawn once a week really saddens my heart for him.
But, that is Tough Love. I love him too much to be an enabler for him to continue to live this way. Even though its really hard to tell your son to go find somewhere else to live, it had to be done. He will have to experience the real world and what it takes to live there. He wasn't getting the picture here.
I pray a light turns on for him. I hope he gets a direction to move toward for his life. And, I hope he remembers to visit home once in a while -

Letting the Truth Sink In

2009-08-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

I get a glimpse of another way we can give control of our lives over to another person. I could let fear of what R will do affect so many decisions and plans. As in blocking her number from my phone account - which I do believe is necessary at this point - I could make decisions about the future based on "What will she do?" "What will she communicate to whomever?" "How far is she going to go?"
I could put myself in hiding because of the fear of the aftermath of her slander but, this afternoon, I see the horizon. The truth is, I have nothing to fear. There is nothing she can do to me to destroy who I am inside and who I am in the eyes of those who really know me. Undoubtedly, some relationships may be affected, but that's their problem - not mine.
There is no end to the possibilities of what she can concoct or create because of her computer savvy. There is no end to the stories she can fabricate - based on what I've read this morning. The sad part, is that it is possible she believes it is true - damn scary.
The good thing is I have people like RH and CH, professionals who know her, know what her mental state is, know what she is capable of and warned me - tho' I didn't listen. I really believed I was doing the right thing. Be that as it may, a leopard can't change its spots, as they say, and no one else can change them for them.
I am just processing - letting you know where my thoughts are going right now. My emotions have settled down in light of realizing the truth about the big picture.

Jealousy and Slander...What will be next?

2009-08-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

It never rains but it pours. Day #3 and more emotional drama.
People say I care too much, give too much, and much more than the average person would be willing to give.
For 3 years, I have supported R. (a friend going through a divorce from an abusive husband and battle for custody) emotionally, financially, even giving her a place to live for 2 years - all with the hope that I would be able to make a difference in her future. I've encountered more opposition about that than anything else I've done with my life, and yet, I felt it was the right thing to do.
In the end, for over 6 months, I experienced tirades from her - I was spending more and more time at my computer, in research and consultation over my decision to divorce. She was obviously jealous and accused me of having an affair. Shortly after the verbal or written accusations, she would calm down and apologize, saying she was being ungrateful. She would seem 'sorry' enough, and I would continue to hope for the best.
When I made the final decision to file for divorce, I told her that she was going to have to go back home and to her 5 year old son, because I did not know what life was going to be like for me here and I couldn't support her - she wasn't working. That really didn't go over very well.
Since she has moved away, she has continually voiced her dissatisfaction with how little I communicate with her. She spirals down to thoughts that she must be worthless because no one 'wants' her. She has continued to lash out about someone, in my life, that she is jealous of and today she broke the final straw on the camel's back.
I awoke at 6:30am to an email that she had sent to the person she is jealous of and had cc'd to me. It was a detailed sexual description of how to make love to me. I shook from the inside out, feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.
My reaction was so immediate. I didn't even think, which is not like me at all. I called - no answer, of course. I left a voicemail telling her that if she didn't write to this person and tell the truth, I would see to it that she never sees her son again; meaning that I would no longer continue to be a favorable witness in her divorce proceedings, as I had in the past. Its been a rugged battle over the issue of custody of her son.
Not a good move, I know, and I wish I could retract it, but what she had done scared me like nothing has ever scared me before. If she would do this kind of heinous act, what else would she do?
There are questions that have no answers. There are fears that could put me down. There are disappointments too numerous to count, but, I have to realize that she is who she is and there's nothing I could have done or can ever do to change that.
And, now I know why people avoid getting too involved in other people's lives - it can cost more than you realize. At least for me it has....

The Last Rose of Summer

2009-08-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

It was early this morning when I needed to go out into the yard. I am ashamed to say, I haven't cut any roses this summer - not one - and now, the season is past. I was regretfully walking by the garden on my way to the garden shed.
After all the events of yesterday, my heart was exhausted and sad; and the thoughts of missing the roses only added to my teary disposition.
But, you know how it is. It happens so often. In the midst of all I was experiencing and feeling, I look up and there, all by itself, in the garden, was the perfect 'Last Rose of Summer'. I wasted no time. I picked it and brought it in the house. As I trimmed the end and placed it in a slender vase of water, I realized it was a special gift to me; a gift of hope, peace, beauty and the promise that "All will be well."
(I took this photo with my iPhone and it was edited by a very dear friend. Thank you.)

Conflict, Encounter, Disappointment - What a Day!

2009-08-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

Walking toward the window, I reached for the cords to release the shade. By this hour it was dark; the half moon was brilliant and hanging above the mountains' ridges. After the day I'd had, I uttered under my breath, "Half moon...It feels like I have only half a heart left..." and the day wasn't over yet.
Act 1: Earlier in the day: My daughter who wants so many things and privileges, but only does what she's supposed to when it is to her advantage, is consternated by my 'interrogations.' When she wants something, I ask her, "Did you clean up after your puppy in the yard?" "Did you clean the bathroom and wash the towels?" (I already know the job isn't done) This afternoon, she becomes fiery, tearful and swears in her attempts to justify her ways and my unreasonableness. It is draining to, once again, establish who is who in this relationship and what is expected, and furthermore, what can be expected from now on.
Act 2: Her dad comes to pick her up for dinner. I take him aside to discuss our 21 year old son. In the course of the conversation, he lets me know, among other things, that I need to come up with a plan for supporting myself because he isn't going to support me forever. (He's been paying maintenance for 3 months) I say, "You will have to support me as long as our daughter lives under my roof," to which he replies, "I'll support her." His implication being that he will not be supporting me.
~I can't describe the feeling that went through me; even though I am divorcing him because he hasn't supported me in so many ways, a hot anger stirred inside of me at his own confession.~
In keeping with his character, he is not going to contribute any help in the issue pertaining to our son. Once again, I am left 'holding the bag' - only this time, it is a box and one that I don't care to be in possession of.
Act 3: At the moment... After letting the shade down, I confront my son.
"Explain this!" I demand, as I gester to the box.
A slight smirk crosses his lips as he replies, "Oh, that...I've had it for a while, but I haven't used it in a few months."
"Do you realize the position you put me in if this is found on my property?" I hope to raise some bit of realization of the repercussions of being in possession of the contents of this box.
Ignoring my question, he asks, "How did you find it?"
His brother had phoned earlier in the day and asked me to look for something in his bedroom. When the phone conversation ended, something told me to look under the 21 year old's bed.
"I want this off my property tonight. I don't want it in my dumpster. I don't want it in the garage and I don't want it in my house. Do you understand me?"
He picks up the box. Turning in the doorway he says, "Hmmm...maybe Jesus told you," with a glib cynicism in his voice.
"Yeah, maybe He did," I say quietly, as I close the door.
The final Act...
I find out, that a trip I was hoping to make, in September, is in jeopardy of being cancelled. The disappointment tips the scales and the tears fall. I am so glad it is the end of the day because I don't think I can handle anymore emotionally, until I get some rest.

Visitation, Custody and Courtesy

2009-08-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

Since the divorce is not finalized, and since there is no court order concerning the custody of the daughter, and since we are two adults trying to divorce as peaceably as possible, there are, then, some large areas of flexibility or negotiability over issues like visitation.

Initially, I didn't want to cause unnecessary grief, especially for my daughter, so a structured visitation schedule wasn't worked out. The assumption was that each of them would want to see each other frequently, at least at first. No problem was foreseen. I have physical custody and was agreeable to her and her dad being able to maintain their relationship and understood that time for that could be variable.

However, over the last 3 months, his attempts to see her have amounted to once a week, in the evening, and on some Sunday mornings, which doesn't seem like much effort on his part to maintain his relationship with her. Almost every evening he has visited with her has been at a movie - which is his prerogative. A couple of times, and last minute, she has arranged to spend time with him when she gets off work because she wanted to hang out with him.

The part that has bothered me is that, to my recollection, he has called only once in all those weeks to ask or arrange with me for him to have visiting time with her. Most of the communication has been through my daughter and literally, last minute. I'm not opposed to spontaneous events, once in a while, but a movie every Thursday night doesn't sound very spontaneous to me and if its going to be a regular event, why not arrange for it to be so?

I sent him an email to let him know that this was not acceptable. I do not like being caught off-guard, or treated as though my life and plans are not important. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure he would feel the same. I told him I felt that as the custodial parent, I need to know what's going on so I can plan accordingly and know where she is and when to expect her home.

He sent a reply that could have been interpreted as agreeable, but hasn't really done anything about it since. On the other hand, she resents me making an issue of it and claims that I am making it 'freakin' difficult for them to see each other!' I really don't think I'm trying to make it difficult for them.

It's not an issue of trust - I'm not afraid of what they'll do or where they'll go or if he'll return her. It's not an issue of rules - 'this is my time' and 'this is your time'.

In a situation like this, I believe its an issue of courtesy toward the person who is responsible - recognizing that there may be plans in place or could be made in the event of some notice that she will be with him. It's also an issue of responsibility on his part - not using the daughter as the 'go between'.

If a court order were in place, things would be very different and not necessarily to any one's advantage.

So, am I wrong in making this an issue? Should I just let them come and go as they please and try to live my life around their's? I really don't think so.

Orientation Day 2

2009-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Eight o'clock in the morning....appointment with the High School Counselor . When she found out that my daughter was seeking a diploma, and that she had been home schooled with no official transcripts from last year, the options narrowed down; none of which enthused my daughter.
She went into the office a Sophomore with dreams of getting to college in 3 years, but came out of the office a Freshman with nightmares! "THREE credits of PE??? Integrated Science - when I've already had Biology? And FOUR years of High School? Geez...!"
Almost every high school student had another person with them who was carrying a purse. I couldn't help but notice. Standing in line for 30 minutes in the crowded hallway was kind of like standing in a bowl of confetti - colors everywhere on clothes, shoes, hair, and faces. And not to mention the potpourri of aromas, fragrances, odors and plain bad smells!
The closer we got to the counter, the more concerned I was that we were in the wrong line. After waiting for so long, the thought that we might have to go to another line that was already trailing out the double doors, was not appealing! Every parent carrying a purse, wore a facial expression that reminds you of how it felt to take cod liver oil - nauseating. "How much money is this going to cost me this year?"
What was funny, was my daughter had that apprehensive expression on her face too, and she wasn't carrying a purse! She just didn't want to be standing in line - its boring! She wanted to know if she could go back to the car while I stayed in line to pay her fees? I think not! I'm the one carrying the purse... remember?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, we were in the right line - where they take your money! $50.00 for a student ID card?! $30.00 for PE clothes?! and I didn't pay for the locker or lunch program yet! And by the way, they don't take credit cards; only cash or checks!

Orientation Day

2009-08-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

Two sessions of Orientation today; one at the High School for my Sophomore daughter and the other at the community college for myself.
As we pulled out of the driveway, I asked my daughter what she was feeling about today. "A little apprehensive," she said with a smile, "but, mostly excited!" I could understand her feelings. Big unknowns and most importantly, wondering if she will fit in.

One of her friends is also attending the High School for the first time as a Sophomore. Instant hugs, smiles and laughing when they met up. I jokingly asked her mom, "Do you think this is a good idea?" nodding in their direction.

Without even going through the traditional niceties, the mom began confiding in me, almost in a whisper, about the conflict between she and her husband over their daughter going to High School. The mom wants her daughter to 'have a life'. The dad doesn't and is very controlling. I was taken aback by how she unloaded to me in the short amount of time we had because we really don't know each other. Yet, it is not unlike previous encounters I've had with women lately.

I didn't give her any advice. I hardly said a word; but, I think she felt better having been able to tell someone else about her struggles with a man she's been married to for a very long time.

At the community college, I sat in a room with about 25 people. I was undeniably the 'old woman' there - what a feeling. Even the instructor was younger than I!

I listened to all the things they tell college freshmen about courses, studies, financing, how to navigate the website, and about the benefits of a community college - all in an effort to boost morale and change the negative outlook that community college is a second rate education.

I'm sorry, but I was bored! I left before the tour of the campus. I reasoned I didn't need the tour since I'm only taking one class online.

Lunch by the Lake

2009-08-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was admiring the view from her kitchen window. The gentle green slope took my eye down to the water. I grew up on a lake and the moving landscape has always had the power to take my mind into deep, quiet thoughts. I found myself distracted from reality and had to make myself look at her as she spoke.

She was preparing a lunch salad - a bed of dark green spinach leaves, vine ripened tomatoes, yellow and orange pepper slices, purple onion slivers and lots of fresh crab meat, topped with Thousand Island dressing. As she chopped pieces, she talked nervously about her family, her marriage, and her loneliness.

In fact, she talked almost non-stop for over two hours; and, I listened, often times in shock and not knowing what to say. Several times, she was flustered and apologized for talking so much about herself, but then, before I could begin, she would connect where she had left off and continue on.

I wasn't certain of the purpose of her invitation or why she was telling me the intimate details of her family and the struggles she had concerning what a 'good Christian woman' should do in these circumstances. I wondered if she wanted to see if she could connect with my experience.

The time came when I needed to excuse myself, and again, she apologized for doing all the talking. Then, she added her respect for my privacy but her question said it all. She wanted to know, "Do you think there is any hope at all for your marriage?"

I told her that there wasn't and I couldn't help wondering how that would affect her thinking about her own marriage.

More Organizing

2009-08-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I did some more organizing. I filed papers, consolidated a couple of notebooks, and was getting used to the Google Calendar I set up on my laptop and in my iphone. I have some tweeking to do, but I think this should work out fine.
Youngest daughter got her hair cut. It was one of those rare times when it turned out 'perfect'. She is very happy with it and I am happy for her. She'll feel great as she enters High School in a couple of weeks.
I went back to the therapist to have my shoulder re-taped. Its interesting, because yesterday, when I talked with her on the phone, the tape was still in place - which surprised both of us. But, overnight, about half of it just... fell off!
Since its Friday, I picked up pizza for supper - Chicken Bacon Artichoke - YUM!
I have to say I am getting quite excited as my energy seems to be picking up and mentally, I feel stronger. Maybe it's the 'back to school' feeling or 'Fall is in the air', or something like that. Regardless, I'm beginning to feel better and am looking forward to accomplishing good things.
Here's to the week-end! Hope everyone has a good one!

Thursday, A Day of New Beginnings

2009-08-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Thursday...
Today is Thursday. Thursday generally feels like a 'non-day'.
It's not the first day of the week nor is it the last. It's not part of the week-end and only one holiday falls regularly on Thursday - Thanksgiving.
There's nothing special about Thursday, so its easy to over look it. Just get through Thursday on the way to Friday, the last work day of the week, in anticipation of Saturday and Sunday - AH! the coveted weekend.
But, today is Thursday and I am making this 'non-day' a very important one because I am making some new beginnings. I have spent the day thinking about my priorities, my needs, my desires and my goals. There is a lot to keep track of and because I am so easily distracted by the happenings of life, I came up with some structure to help me make progress, because I do want to do my best and be my best.
There's no guarantee that this will work magic, but as they say, "If you aim at nothing, you're sure to hit it." This is my day to begin taking aim at being more consistent in things like praying, eating, exercise, writing; and aiming at adding new things like an online college course, reading more to gain insight into writing styles, etc.

Thursday will now be a reminder of my desire to make notable changes in my everyday life. We'll see, in time, how notable it will be.

One Long Day

2009-08-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

This morning, I started my day with phone calls and decisions about business in another country. It can be frustrating when you are under the impression that things are moving along and you realize that all paperwork has stopped on one desk and no one tried to contact you about it. I did get it sorted out and was able to continue with my day.
I took my van to a mechanic who lives 8 miles up a mountain road. A person, whom I trust, recommended him - otherwise I wouldn't have considered going to him.
Of course, like most things, when you get to the professional, the problem disappears and he then spends too much time telling you what all the possibilities are for the problem. Hopefully, in a few days, he will have a new scanner and he can connect it to the engine's computer and find out why it won't start up with the first turn of the key.
Later, I spent time with my two daughters visiting over coffee, chocolate and a movie. It was a good breath of 'family fresh air' - the first in a long time. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did!
Then, off to a long over due appointment with my therapist. As I told her the good, the bad and the ugly (she didn't even know that I had filed for divorce) I began to feel how high-strung I was inside and hadn't even realized it. So much has happened in three months; it was difficult to choose what was most important for her to know at the moment.
I wanted her to know that I was emotionally depressed for quite a while and my thoughts seemed to be irrational during those times. I gave her examples of what I was dealing with ie. needing to be assertive with professionals, my husband, my kids; feeling stuck in time because I don't know what direction to take or what decisions to make; all the stress of the extenuating circumstances that are associated with the divorce but that are up in the air, etc.
She assured me that what I was feeling was normal, considering all the circumstances and especially encouraged me to take good care of myself during this waiting period. She also wanted me to remember that no matter what decisions I make, there are no easy choices, there will be pain for someone regardless of what I do and that success doesn't necessarily mean a perfect outcome.
She adjusted my meds slightly and encouraged me to take a week away and enjoy it with a friend. I liked the sound of that!
On the way home, my youngest daughter and I chatted a bit about 'her world'. She said she resents not having more time with her dad and is blaming me for that. She said she's enjoying him more now and thinks that if she lives in a rotation of 2 week intervals, between his house and mine, she would enjoy her time with us more. I need time to sort out what is truth in all that she voiced. I dropped her off at the church where she attends Youth Group, letting her know that I heard her thoughts and headed to Costco for groceries.
I was about half way through my shopping when a friend I've known for 30 years approached me with a smile and a big hug. She had heard about the divorce and just wanted to express her support. We spent a long time chatting - I felt very safe in her understanding.
Its been a long, full day with so many emotions, so much interaction, so tiring - good and bad.
I think I will sleep soundly tonight - maybe even sleep in in the morning and hope to come up with a plan for ordering my life, at least for a while.

College Placement Tests

2009-08-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Monday morning:
be at the college campus at 9:15am
photo ID
approved calculator
receipt for payment

I arrived on the campus a little early, just in case I got 'lost'. I had been nervous about taking the placement test when the thought of returning to college first crossed my mind. Those thoughts had quieted down because I had decided that no matter what my scores, it would be ok and I would begin wherever my education needed to begin, again.
I had not quite a year and a half of college, over 30 years ago. After marriage and starting a family, I became the Home School Teacher for my six children. I've taught, to one degree or another, for over 24 years resulting in 4 college students, 2 who went on to university, 1 who has certification in IT training and is enrolled for the Massage Therapy course this fall and the last one entering High School as a Sophomore. I guess you could say that education has been a way of life for me.
When I chose to file for divorce, the question that was front and center had to do with what I would want to pursue with the rest of my life. I'm still not decided, but felt that 'continuing education' was a very good use of my time and energy until I do have direction.
So, I took the test and was quite shocked at first with the results. The scores were good, but the one that made me smile was the 99% in Writing. The staff person said it was considered a 'perfect score'.
It wasn't until today that I could really appreciate what I had done or what it meant. I stepped out to be tested by an institution which would put the 'grade' on my level of education. I took the test for myself, for the purpose of beginning to build into my own life - for a change; and the results gave me another level of confidence and strength to continue on with a plan.
"That's OK Louise!" There's lots of time to savor the accomplishment for now, but, I do know there are many more things I need to and want to and will to accomplish in the future!

Quote for Today

2009-08-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

"Few delights can equal

the mere presence

of someone we utterly trust."

George MacDonald

Dental Report

2009-08-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Today I had a dental appointment - a new patient visit. In 30 years, actually all my life, I have never had regular dental care. Thankfully my teeth are very strong and healthy and I've had very little need for dental work - ie. fillings, etc.
The office was new, lovely - but freezing! The staff in the office were all female, all young and all very sweet. Eighteen digital Xrays, photos of every surface of every tooth, a gum assessment, oral exam and many computer records - and 75 minutes later! - got me out with a very positive report. Aside from a cleaning, which I haven't had in 3 years, I'm good to go! No decay, no gum disease, and very little bone loss. I am very happy with any good reports right now...

Arm Injury - MRI Solves Mystery

2009-08-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Two months ago, while traveling, I hurt my arm. The initial diagnosis was a torn triceps muscle for which pain meds were prescribed, a sling provided and rest with ice recommended. The excruciating pain from the first day did subside, but it never really totally went away. Two months later, I'm beginning to wonder...

Last week, I went to a massage therapist who has a speciality with sports therapy to see if she could ascertain the problem. She was perplexed and rather than shoot arrows in the dark, took me to a chiropractor who could assess the arm and order an MRI.

I am not thrilled at the idea of seeing the bill, but I can tell you that I am grateful for the information it has provided. It turns out it wasn't the triceps muscle, though the location of the pain is exactly there. I have torn the 'supraspinatus' - otherwise known as a rotator cuff injury and have tendinitis in that same area. Apparently, this kind of injury refers pain down the arm which is what I am experiencing.

Thankfully there are exercises that can help and now that I know where the injury is, can work around it until it heals.

Whew! And, all that from trying to travel without checking bags at the airport?

Love ~ You Can't Imagine It

2009-08-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

You can build a miniature scale mansion. You can decorate it; pay attention to the finest detail. You can sit in front of it, walk around it, move furniture around in the rooms, put little people in it and spend hours trying to imagine what is would 'feel' like to live in that mansion. But, until you actually step across the threshold of the real thing, you will have no idea the feelings that will arise in you from the experience.
That's what its like to fall in love. I tried to imagine all through my life, what 'being in love' would be like. I watched other people, who I thought were in love, and tried to imagine what they were experiencing. I watched movies and tried to put myself in the role of the actress. I read about it in books. I spent a lot of time imagining.
One thing I knew for certain - I wasn't, nor had I ever been 'in love'. I could love people, and love them with the 'God kind of love' - but I knew that I had never 'fallen in love' - even, in all the 30 years I'd been married.
And when I did fall in love, all the imagining in the world couldn't have prepared me for the ecstasy or the agony of it. Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of longing to give to the other. No one could have made me understand the deep, but joy filled ache that cannot be articulated, or the never-ending wonder of discovery, or the passion or craving that cannot be quenched - even when I'm with him.
No one could have told me that satisfaction and fulfillment could be so complete and yet never enough. Nothing compares to the synergism or chemistry of two hearts, two minds, two bodies that blend into the incredible 'other experience of oneness'.
No, no one could have told me; there's no way to imagine it and nothing compares with the experience - at all.

Update on "Time Is Running Out"

2009-07-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to leave everyone hanging...
Son did pay rent and did mow the lawn...
It does make me glad for his sake...
He knows what he needs to do and he's doing it...

People Can Be Kinder Than We Assume

2009-07-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

One of the last things he said to me, on the afternoon I told him I was filing for divorce, was "You need to be prepared. There will be a lot of hard things said to you."
Was he really concerned about what people would say to me, or was he trying to manipulate my emotions; in someway try to scare me into reconsidering the divorce because of how 'forthright' and hurtful everyone in the church and community would be? Or was he really expecting that people would come down hard on me with the 'truth' of their religious beliefs - which would be punishment for my sinful decision to divorce him?
I had fully expected and was prepared to be ostracized from the community, from the church, from the family. It was one of the weightier issues I had to consider before actually finalizing the decision to divorce.
Interestingly, I have found just the opposite. People have been very kind and compassionate, at least to my face. Only one person has 'confronted' me, and I've only heard of one who was judgmental and gossiping behind my back. (One should be careful when speaking one's mind about someone's mother!)
Today I went for a walk. I took my normal route - very few cars and I hardly ever see anyone else on the street. I was enjoying the gorgeous day - the birds, the air, the flowers, the peace and joy in my heart. I was really in my own little world you could say, when all of a sudden I heard my name! It startled me into reality!
Up behind me came an older man wearing a straw hat and riding an ancient bicycle. I've known him and his wife and their son for years. I realized when I saw his face that he'd heard of the divorce. He said that he'd wanted to talk to me for sometime. I braced myself.
He began to tell me that he knew what its like to be 'hurt'. His parents divorced when he was 11 yrs. old, his daughter walked out on him and broke his heart. He wanted me to know that 'hurt' can heal because he has found healing.
I was afraid that at this point he was going to suggest that I reconsider my decision - go to counseling, take steps toward reconciliation 'because everyone gets hurt'.
Instead, he said that he wanted me to know that if there was anyway he could help, he would , because even though he doesn't know the kind of 'hurt' I may be experiencing, he does know what it is like to be 'hurt'.
I thanked him and walked the rest of the way home thinking about how wrong we can be when we try to predict people's reactions to decisions we make!

Time is Running Out

2009-07-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

One son has paid his rent and mowed the lawn.
One son has made promises over and over again this week.
Time is running out - rent is due tomorrow.
He said he would mow the lawn today.
Tomorrow marks the end of the week.
I wonder what will happen?

Confiding over Coffee

2009-07-24T22:14:00.001-07:00

A good cure for feeling sorry for one's self is taking the time to listen to someone else's troubles. There are many reasons I could have to justify my sitting down and having full-blown pity party, but today, as I drank coffee with a friend and listened to her story, I realized I have a lot to be thankful for.

She is married to a very angry man who 'is always right'. He is alienating his beautiful daughters and its taking its toll on my friend as she tries to manouver peace making strategies in their home. After I filed for divorce, she confided that she, too, has been thinking seriously about separation, recently.

I wasn't sure how 'serious' she was the last time we talked, but this time, I felt I could hear some deep progressive changes in her thinking.

She has just earned a degree by working very hard through course studies online. She is actively looking for employment and I could sense a desperation to find 'full time work'. I saw the effects of stress in her skin and countenance.

I realized, too, that she is very much alone in her thoughts. She hasn't told anyone in her family or in her church the painful struggles she has at home with the man who should be loving and protecting her family, but instead yells and swears, restricts and criticizes his girls.

My heart went out to her. I wished there was something I could say or do to help. But, as I thought about it, listening is probably the best thing I could do - because she has no one else to talk to about it.

I have so much to be thankful for! I do have someone I can confide in. Someone who doesn't chide me for my decision. Someone who can offer advice and help me see straight when everything gets confused. Someone who never turns me away.

And as far as having a pity party goes? - I can't stay in one for very long because this someone always has a way of making me laugh - even when I'm in tears.

Kindness vs. Weakness

2009-07-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

There is a big difference between being gentle and kind and being weak. People often misinterpret a kind person as being a weak one. The truth is you can be kind, 'nice', and yet be strong in your convictions or purpose or agenda.
Many times I've told my boys (18 and 21yrs old) what I expect, and I've given them the benefit of the doubt more than once when they haven't come through with their end of the deal - paying rent once a week to make it easier for them to keep up with, mowing the lawns once a week, and cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen - Sounds pretty straight forward, don't you think?
I haven't yelled at them. I've treated them with respect, but, there comes a time when they need to understand that they can't keep abusing the 'good thing' they've got going here.
I am their mom and I shouldn't have to wait or beg for their rent money. No other landlord would. I am their mom and I shouldn't have to clean up after them in the kitchen like when they were 5yrs. old. AND I don't have to live with the mess they leave either.
So, this weekend will be interesting. I have kindly informed them one last time, early this week, what I expect and if they do not comply with the rules that I have gently laid out, they are going to find out about the strength that is underneath my respectful tone of voice and have to find somewhere else to live if they don't want to respect the ground rules here.
A friend of mine wrote to me after my trip to the Abbey. He writes:

"Thank you for your email and the phone visit. I'm so glad that you are feeling at peace and yet "empowered." I know that it will go well for you. Your kids are old enough, especially the boys, that they will have to make some choices of their own. You can provide them with options, but they have to decide what to choose."

Home from Retreat

2009-07-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've just come home from The Abbey. I spent a week there on a 'Personal Retreat' - taking a time-out from the craziness of everyday life. It took a few days to disconnect from home life. Besides the unfortunate circumstance that an extension for a business contract had to be signed and faxed in the middle of my retreat, I didn't realize how deeply my emotions were impacted by the stress of unanswered questions about finalizing the divorce, the consternation of raising my 15 year old daughter and the anxiety about the future.
So, I cried for a few days and rested and slowly I could separate myself from the issues that had been consuming me for the past few months. I attended some of the Prayer Times with the monks, spent a lot of time out in the big open spaces of nature there, and enjoyed visiting over a glass of wine in the evenings with some who have become friends. Gradually, I could feel peace and hope come back to life. Some of the confusion subsided and soon I could think pleasant thoughts in the moment that weren't attached to the past or the future or to my 'family life'.
Sometimes it seems ridiculous to even think about getting away from all that demands my attention, but I'm finding that when I start thinking those kinds of thoughts, that's exactly the time I do need to get away!

Taking Responsibility Has Its Perks

2009-07-09T19:56:00.001-07:00

About 3 weeks ago, I was planning a trip, some 4 1/2 hours away. The thought occurred to me that I should get the oil changed, tires and brakes checked. I knew it had been a while since any of that had been done, but since the vehicle is now in my name and is my responsibility, I can take responsibility for its maintenance.
Within a day of thinking about the oil change, the oil gauge started bouncing all over the place! I pulled in to the Oil & Lube place and found out that there was only 1 1/2 quarts of oil in it! I was low by over 3 quarts! Then I found out that it had been over 50,000 miles since the oil had been changed! So, I had them do the full-meal deal - flush the engine, new filters, new fluids and oil.
Next, I went to the Tire store and had them check the brakes and shocks, check and rotate the tires, etc. They told me there was quite a bit of wear on the tires but they would be ok for the trip, so I planned to get new tires after the trip. The next morning, however, when I went out with the luggage, I found that the tire on the front, driver's side was sitting on the rim!
Thankfully, someone came and put the spare on and I drove right down to the Tire store and got a new set of tires.
Today, I was waiting for them to do the alignment. It was wonderful to sit there and know that some of the major issues are now taken care of - everything is good quality and in good running order.
My, oh my! She runs like a top!
I guess that's one of the perks of taking responsibility yourself?

Daughter Enrolling in High School

2009-07-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

This morning I took my daughter to the High School District Office to begin the enrollment process. She is entering public school as a sophomore. It wasn't complicated. No questions asked at that time. They just gave my daughter a packet of papers - calendar of school days, catalog of course descriptions and some forms to fill out.
I don't know if this decision will make life easier or more complicated.
It will be nice to get a break from being responsible for her education.
It will be good for her to have hours of the day that are scheduled and accounted for.
It will be great to have access to the extra-curricular activities.
It will be wonderful for her to make some friends.
But...
There are a lot more decisions to make, details to keep track of, functions to attend, money to spend, friends to get-to-know and relationship stressors of all kinds.
With everything else I am keeping track of right now, I can't help but wonder "How much can a woman keep putting in her brain before some of it starts leaking out???"

Anxiety and Anniversary

2009-07-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the Primary Care Clinic to discuss medications for anxiety with a doctor. It was interesting that they gave me two sets of papers to fill out - both of them involving my evaluating questions that pertain to symptoms of anxiety - all of them based on a scale of 0-4, ie. Hands shake, Fear of choking, Fear of dying, Sleep patterns, (and this interesting one...) You feel troubled because you think that you look old and unattractive.
What was comical was, after my appointment at the clinic, I had an appointment to get my hair cut because I was feeling that I was beginning to look unattractive!
To put your mind at ease, I wasn't having problems with anxiety because I thought I was looking old or unattractive; nor was I having emotional issues over the fact that I'm divorcing at age 50 which could cause me to worry about whether or not I'm attractive enough to someone else. But, I did think the question on the paper was interesting.
The doctor gave me a low dose prescription for something to help with anxiety for a short term and had me make an appointment to check back with her in 2 weeks. I did get my hair cut and was very happy with it - even my two daughters think I look more attractive, now! And then I went to the Mall and bought a few things for a trip I'm going to take next week.
All in all it was a good day; better than most of the days in the last few weeks. There is peace here at home - H is in good spirits and played a card game with me this evening. We even got to a place in conversation where she confided thoughts to me about love and boys.
Tonight, I am thankful for trusted friends who keep an eye on me and let me know when I'm nearing the edge in any way. I'm thankful for doctors and beauticians. I'm really thankful for daughters and particularly for peaceful days with 15 year old daughters.
Another thought has to do with today being July 7th. Thirty years ago today, I was married, and I filed for divorce only 2 months ago.
Its strange, because I didn't think about today with respect to it being a wedding anniversary. I didn't think of the day in terms of past memories or present changes. Its like 30 anniversaries had never happened. I didn't intentionally avoid it. I didn't consciously dwell on it either.
A few weeks ago, I wondered if I would even want to be in town. I wondered how it would affect me emotionally. I was concerned that 'he' would try to contact me with the motive of manipulating my emotions. But, as it turned out, all was fine and it was a good day and now I'm ready for sleep!

Beginning to Journal

2009-07-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

I am going to try and journal here more than I have been. Time, energy, clear thinking, reality of my circumstances and just deciding what to write all play a part in whether or not I can make this a successful venture.
I can't believe 2 months has passed since I filed for divorce. I can't believe how much has been done and how life has changed in 2 months. I also can't believe how much still needs to be done and how vague the 'finalizing' date is.
And in the meantime, life goes on. I still have to get up every morning, maintain my spiritual life (which I cannot live without!), plan what to do with the day according to what is going on and how much energy I have. I still have a daughter to be responsible for, which is no easy task when she is going to be 15 in a week. I still have to pay bills, clean house, keep in touch with my adult children, take care of inherited property issues in another country, work through a longstanding IRS issue, and maintain a vehicle - to name a few of the everyday things that would be there even if the divorce wasn't - and not to mention all the things I've had to let slide because there is just no room in my life for them right now!
Then, add the divorce and all that that entails and you've got a very busy life! Sometimes the list seems endless, especially when you know that each category has a list of its own. And, sometimes, its overwhelming, "How in the world can I do all this? How can I manage mentally, emotionally and physically?"
I used to be able to manage a large number of responsibilities at one time, but I've been struggling the past number of weeks with the enormity of it all and not just the enormity of it now, but looking at the length of time this enormity would be mine to deal with.
I came to a point where I was not thinking clearly at all! When you begin to hear yourself say things you know are not characteristic of who you know yourself to be or of what you believe - its time to pull off onto the side of the road for a pit stop. When your friend, whom you trust, is telling you what the right thing to do is, and you can't seem to get on board with it, and you know that its something you would normally choose to do, its time to consider getting some help.
Life has places of intensity - and some people can handle more than others. Some people have been dealing with intensity for years, and at some point, they just run out of stamina. To those around them it may not be understandable why their friend is 'giving up' because the circumstances don't look that bad. But, the truth is, they've just run out of strength to cope, even desire to hope and they can't see how they can do whatever it is anymore.
Emotional and mental stamina is like physical stamina - when respected and used properly, it is our greatest asset; but, overuse or abuse of it will leave you weak, just as physical demands will leave your body exhausted after a while. We are not eternal or infinite in our beings here on earth and we can use up our resources if we're not careful.
Some forms of help are coaching, therapy or medication depending on the individual and the circumstances they are in. Also, evaluating what you're doing and whether you need help with a particular issue is important - ie. If I can't figure out how to deal with a situation pertaining to my daughter, I need to find some resources that can give me some direction or people who can give me some support.
This is where I am today - I know I need help, and I am searching it out. I am going to the medical clinic tomorrow. I am going to talk with counselors at the High School. I am going talk with parents about teens.
I am thankful that I haven't cried today. I am thankful that it was a better day than most of them have been recently and I am thankful that I can go to bed knowing that I can take one day at a time and all will be well.

Dangerous Beauty

2009-07-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched the movie, "Dangerous Beauty" starring Catherine McCormack and Rufus Sewell. It is an R rated movie depicting the true story of Veronica Franco, a 'courtesan' (a prostitute associated with men of wealth). The story takes place in 16th century Venice. I don't want to tell you the story. It is an excellent movie with a powerful message of how we can easily pervert something intended to be beautiful. That statement alone can be interpreted many ways - so watch the movie for yourself.
But, I do want to quote a couple of scenes, again without telling you the story, because they do stand alone and, I feel, they speak through the ages truth that is still not realized by many.

The first passage is a young mother speaking to Veronica in secret and desperation seeking Veronica's commitment to train her daughter to be a courtesan:

"Do you know what my daughter's nurse told her this morning?
That in a girl's voice lies temptation - a known fact.
Eloquence in a woman's voice means promiscuity.
Promiscuity of the mind leads to promiscuity of the body.
She doesn't believe her yet, but she will.
She'll grow up just like her mother.
She'll marry, bear children and honor her family; spend her youth in needlepoint and rue the day she was born a girl.
And when she dies, she'll wonder why she obeyed all the rules of God and country because no Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence."

The second passage is near the end of the movie. Veronica is on trial - accused of witchcraft - and this passage is her 'confession'. I have left out some of the interruptions made during the confession by others in the court.

"I confess that as a young girl I loved a man who would not marry me for want of a dowery.
I confess that I had a mother who taught me a different way of life - one I resisted at first, but learned to embrace.
I confess I became a courtesan - traded yearning for power - welcomed many rather than be owned by one.
I confess I embraced a whore's freedom over a wife's obedience.

I confess I find more ecstasy in passion than in prayer. Such passion is prayer.
I confess...I confess I pray still to feel the touch of my lover's lips, his hands upon me, his arms enfolding me.

Such surrender has been mine.

I confess I hunger still to be filled and inflamed - to melt into the dream of us beyond this troubled place to where we are not even ourselves; to know that always, always, this is mine.
If this had not been mine; if I'd lived another way - a child to her husband's whim - my soul hardened from lack of touch and lack of love; I confess such endless days and nights punishment far greater than any you could mete out.

You! All of you! You, who hunger so for what I give but cannot bear to see such power in a woman - You call God's greatest gift - ourselves, our yearning, our need to love - You call it filth and sin and heresy.

I repent there was no other way open to me. I do not repent my life."

Freedom is not Free

2009-07-04T14:25:00.001-07:00

Brenda was not just a little overwhelmed. It seemed that no matter which way she turned or which decision she would make it was going to be hard to live with. Things were so bad in her marriage that she was seriously considering divorce but when she thought about what it would take for her to be on her own - it was down right frightening.
How would she get a job and take care of the kids? If she got a job, she would have to pay for childcare and that wouldn't leave her with very much money to live on. If she didn't work, there would be even less money; the bills wouldn't get paid and there wouldn’t be food on the table. She really didn't have any job skills, having gotten involved with Dustin right out of high school and she had no guarantee that her 'would-be- ex' would pay child support or maintenance.
She also wondered where would they live? The nightmare of living in a tiny trailer in a trailer park, as a single parent, with their 4 kids was not her idea of things looking up and she couldn't leave the kids with him because of the extreme nature of his behavior.
She never knew if the next episode was going to be a violent fight or if he was just going to drink all of his pay check, putting himself in a useless stupor leaving her and kids without groceries for the next week.
What kept her from even trying to leave again was fear of what Dustin would do. He pretty much terrorized her when she had tried to get away before. He had found her in a hostel, an inexpensive room for travelers. She could still feel the pain in her ribs and heart from that night.
Brenda really had no one to turn to for help. Taking care of her kids kept her home so much that she didn’t have time to make friends. She didn't know about the agencies that could help her right now and even if she did know, she wouldn’t have the energy to call for help.
The one thing Dustin was good at was convincing her that she had it pretty good right there, right now. He kept jabbing her with comments like, “Who do you think would take in someone like you and all these kids?” At times, hopelessness filled her mind and there was no shining star as far as she could see.
*****************************************************
Many women find themselves in similar impossible situations as Brenda. Life within the marriage is hell and just the idea of trying to build a life outside of the marriage seems insurmountable. It can be overwhelming to try and think through the logistics to plan a course of action. It’s challenging to do research when your mind is already exhausted from dealing with daily life in a relationship that seems bent on taking away your freedom and your life.
I wasn't used to taking things into my own hands. In many ways, I didn't know how to take responsibility for my own life because I'd been so dependent on 'him.' My personality contributed to choices I made to just let him have control, whether aggressively or passively. For other women it’s because of 'his' manipulation. Whatever the contributing factors, the result is the same: it becomes inconceivable for the woman to take the necessary steps she needs in order to be free.
The most important factor that helps me is having a network of friends and family who support me, help with some of the steps or are consistently there to remind me of what I have accomplished and what I still need to do. But, another important factor is grabbing hold of a couple of key thoughts that have become mantras.
First, I have to remember that I can’t afford to think like a victim when things get tough. My response needs to be, "I am a party in this divorce, and this is my life right here, right now!" There are consequences no matter what I decide to do, and choosing to divorce comes with a pretty big price tag, not to mention the attorney’s fees! I can't just lie down and wish it would all go away or that someone else will do it for me or wish that I could die. THIS is my life right now and I need to do everything I possibly can to get through it. And, life won't always be like this. The divorce will be finalized and I will be able to start a new life that will be better than what I had and what I have right now.
The second thing I remind myself is the relief from the dread of his presence. This, by itself, is worth the divorce. My mantra is, "Life is so peaceful when I don’t have to see him everyday.” Even when things seem like they're getting out of control, I remember that I won’t have to dread the abuse or his lack of responsibility. I can make my own decisions. I don’t have to fear what he is going to do or not do. I don’t have to figure out how to approach him about issues that need resolution. (Sure, there is still some contact, especially if there are children involved, but it’s not everyday and I can control that.)
One more thought that really energizes me is, "I have no regrets - I'm not losing anything that's more valuable than my freedom!" I just think about what I'm leaving behind and I ask myself, "Is that something I want to live with the rest of my life?"
Not only am I not losing anything of value, I am actually gaining something with every step I take, with everyday that goes by – experience, confidence, and responsibility.
Trying to imagine life outside of the marriage can really be intimidating and depressing. There are so many unknowns and taking responsibility can seem impossible but, the fact is, it is possible and as long as I keep my mind focused on the benefits, I can continue to work my way through the maze of details to get them – the biggest benefit being my freedom. I just have to remember, “Freedom is not free!” It’s going to cost me, but oh, is it worth it!

2009-06-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Thoughts that have run through my head today...

* I'm afraid of how emotional I am lately....I can't seem to get on top of it or get control of my emotions anymore..."

* ...all this emotion, especially the crying makes it harder. Maybe I'm crying because 'this' is harder?

* I don't feel confident or optimistic...that was 'me' at one time, but I can't find that 'me' right now."

* Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never quit..."

* You didn't pursue freedom to let the journey kill you.

* This is just transition and what I left behind is worth all the trouble to get away from it. I will survive!

*Things won't always be this way.

* All will be well... and it will

A Friend In Need

2009-06-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

I was feeling sorry for myself last night; chaffing under responsibilities that seem less rewarding these days and which lack the luster in view of what is just beyond my reach. Parenting older kids (15 - 21 years old) who are building their own lives, leaves so much time free and yet I'm not free.
I wrote to a friend of mine (remember you NEED a support team if you are going through a divorce!) and was whining about my situation. With this friend's permission I will copy the correspondence between us because it was so encouraging to me!

Dear -----,
I am home alone again tonight - It's puzzling to me why I am even here sometimes.
X. went to the ... Park with some friends (whom I know) and then to youth group -
she won't be home until after 9pm.
Y. went to PA to be with one of his buddies.
Z. is gone to work.
I know, I know - there are lots of things to do here - but, still , I think my presence here is
purely benign? (kind, gracious, compassionate and self limiting)...

The response:
"Your kids need the stability you provide. They need to know that you are there, even when they aren't. You are their grounding post, their confidant, their parent (they still need one), their salvation (not in the Biblical sense) in times of trouble -- I could go on -- but you get the idea. You are VERY important!
With love, respect, and admiration for the parent you are,
-----"

Needless to say, that was the shot in the arm I needed. I love my kids, but I am tired sometimes because of choices I made 24 years ago. I chose to home school the 6 children, which means I've been with them 24/7 for a very long time. And, with everything else that has been going on in my life, I'm just weary - I don't want to be responsible right now. I wish I could just go away sometimes and leave it all behind.
Thankfully, good friends will remind us of what is better. I want to do the right things, but sometimes I feel a lack of emotional and physical strength and could easily make a poor choice in an effort to make a short cut to my goal.
If, in a moment of desperation, I make a rash decision, I have no one to blame but myself, because my friends have tried to keep me on the straight and narrow. And believe me, sometimes it feels really narrow.
I have to encourage myself with the truth that this is just for a short season. My kids are almost all on their own, and if I've made it this far, it is possible to make it the rest of the way.
I want to say a special "Thank you" to this friend who has been an unending source of strength, wisdom, support and care through this whole venture. YOU ROCK! ! !

From One Friend to Another

2009-05-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend on the phone last night. She's been out of town and we weren't able to connect until she got home. I needed to tell her about my decision to file for divorce.
She had gone through the process of divorce last year. She and her husband, at the time, decided to separate peaceably after 30 years of relationship, without attorneys. Their divorce was final in the 90 days because there was nothing to haggle about in court.
When I told her my story, her first response, after a moment, was filled with caring compassion. Out of the silence, she said, "I love you, darlin'..." and it felt like a warm blanket that covered my shivering heart - shivering because I never really know what to expect from people and shivering because, still, when I tell my story the impact of realizing what I lived through over the last 30 years affects me deeply.
There were many good things she communicated to me - the experienced to the inexperienced - woman to woman, but three of those things stand out in my mind.
One, I am totally responsible for my welfare and the welfare of my daughter. I need to be mindful of taking care of myself - eating properly, sleeping adequately, etc. She knows, from experience, that you can't support yourself or take care of responsibilities if you're sick - a thought I've never had to consider - ever. I need to establish good routines that benefit my well being and do them regardless of how I feel. I recognize that this will be a challenge for me at times when I am low in energy and spirits.
Secondly, she reinforced something I've already been experiencing. Things may look overwhelming from the front side of divorce, but as you step out and accomplish tasks, as you begin to stand up for yourself and make decisions for your present and future - you are empowered to continue. Each step may look terrifying, insurmountable, but when you take it and move forward having accomplished it, you are infused with more energy and confidence to do the next thing.
I have found this to be so true! No matter how scared I may be before I tackle an issue, afterwards I feel great satisfaction in having done it and I remember that feeling the next time I have to face something that looks so big.
Thirdly, she emphasized the importance of networking or support systems. For me, that has not been too difficult. I already had many, many relationships that I'd fostered over the years. But, even though many of them are willing to help in any way that they can, I have found my support system to be a tighter, smaller handful of people whom I can trust and lean on if and when I need to. They will come to my aid at the drop of a hat and cheer me on when I cannot see the way. You cannot do this without support - it is absolutely necessary.
I know that many women cannot move out of their relationships because of fear - fear of unknowns, fear of incapabilities they perceive in themselves or in the situation. Over the last number of weeks, I have found that the fears are really unfounded and I can let them hold me back or I can push through and show them for what they are - nothing to be afraid of.
Something I've kept at the forefront of my mind is, regardless the negative feeling I have at the moment, it is only temporary. Whether I'm afraid, confused, overwhelmed by details, discouraged by my lack of progress, sad because of what other people say and do - I have to remind myself, or my support team reminds me that this feeling is only temporary, and then, to put that in perspective, I remember:

"I can make it. I can do this. I will survive.
There is no life back there in that relationship.
There is nothing about it that is worth returning to.
The positives gained by leaving and starting a new life
far outweigh the negatives of remaining where there is no life.
With each step I take, I am making progress.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and
with each step I take its getting brighter!"

Why Was I Divorcing Him? - Part 3

2009-05-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Futility of Good Intentions -
I was so exasperated, so discouraged, so without hope and angry! To make matters worse, I didn't know what I could do to change anything!
I had been in a frustrated state of emotions all morning - everything around me was filthy and seemed never ending. I couldn't keep the place clean - there was always mud and dirt being tracked in and wood chips from the door to the stove. Laundry was an all day affair - washing by hand, wringing with a wringer, hanging the clothes up to dry and then taking them down to put them away; and that was barring the clothes line not snapping and taking everything to the ground - only to have to start all over again. We hauled water for the first year and a half, so there was never enough of it around to do what I needed to. We always smelled like wood smoke and the kids never seemed to be clean.
We had only planned to be in this situation for 6 months, at the most. I could handle this with five children. You can do anything if you have a goal and you put your mind to it. But, after 3 years had gone by and there was no hope, even then, that we would be in a house of some kind before winter, I was beginning to lose my patience.
Three long, miserable years in a pack tent, with five children. The baby was 6 months old when we moved in. My husband said that by early winter, we would have the shell of a small dwelling up, at least. I could handle a summer in a tent thinking that the plan would work and we would be 'homesteading' our property, building from wood we harvested from the land and not going into debt. But, the first winter came and went with not even a hole dug in the ground for the foundation.
On this day, I felt I was at a breaking point. I stood in the middle of the tent and looked at him with more anger than I thought I could ever have. In 12 years, we'd never had an argument, nor had I ever raised my voice. I agreed to most everything and I could state my opinion on anything else, but I usually went along with whatever he decided. That day, though, when he noticed that something was not right with his little wife, he asked me why I was so upset and with all the strength within me, I turned around , glared at him and quoted a Bible verse, "Hopes deferred make the heart sick!"
Once I'd said the words out loud, the full weight of, not only those 3 years, but of every time his 'good intentions' never came into being came into focus clearly and I realized how little strength or hope I had left anymore.
Good intentions that never come into reality are futile. When the pattern began to repeat itself, I went into a coping mode - a nervous kind of 'wait and see' attitude that, after awhile, took its toll on my emotions and then on my body. It was shortly after this incident that I was diagnosed with adrenal exhaustion at the critical stage. The doctor said, "Mrs. Williams, you are like a wheel rolling downhill very quickly. Its going to take aggressive measures just to get the wheel stopped, and then we still have to get it back up the hill." If I'd waited much longer, I would have gone into a coma - not the place a mother wants to be.
You would think that all that happened in this time period would have helped facilitate some changes. You would think it would be a wake up call to become more dependable, more sensitive or aware of the needs of those he was responsible for; those whom he said he loved - but, no.
Though we eventually did get into a house, there were many other incidents that left me wondering where his heart was and left my heart broken. I came to the understanding that there are some things that people cannot change and those are deep seated characteristics that are a part of their make-up. The many times that he didn't follow through with his good intentions made it clear that this was something in him that would never change.

Why Was I Divorcing Him? - Part 2

2009-05-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

Longings... Denied - Taken For Granted

I wanted to be a member on his team. I knew I had skills that qualified me for the job. I knew that I could be creative in this field of work and I thought that if I worked with him, somehow it would fill the void that I felt.

The void was present always. I never felt we connected. We didn't connect as a married couple. We didn't connect as parents. We didn't connect in hobbies or interests! We were never really on the same page in view point or strategy. I thought that maybe if I could get involved with his work, we could have something that would bring some kind of connection.

I worked hard. I spent hours, not just 'on the clock' but off the clock as well. I loved what I was doing and I knew that other people thought I was doing a good job too. But, time after time, when I really needed to know that he noticed and appreciated what I had put into the project; when I would have enjoyed revelling in my success with someone who should have been closest to me, he was silent, absent.

I got the feeling that I didn't exist to him. Maybe more the feeling was that I existed but was taken for granted. Did he have any idea how much it meant to me to know something, anything, even if it was that I wasn't doing a satisfactory job? I asked him a few times what he thought of the presentation, the outcome - and he would give a one word or one line answer that was pretty generic or superficial and it felt like he said something just because he had to say something. That was worse than the silence.

This was life with him, though. For 30 years, no matter what I prepared for meals; what I did around the house; what I wore; however I looked or acted - it was always the same. My heart longed for and ached to know that he really liked or appreciated or valued what I was or what I did. When he would answer my question, the answer was so glib; sounding so insincere and meaningless.

After a while, I gave up looking, longing, asking, and even trying to 'impress' him in some way. It was so empty, so disheartening, so futile. I gradually began finding other sources of encouragement and continued down the 'single path' in this marriage.

There are a thousand gestures that say, "I love you" and when they are not there, the words don't mean a thing. Is it possible to be in love, to totally love another person and yet take them for granted?

Filed For Divorce

2009-05-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

I went to the county courthouse and filed for my divorce today - May 11, 2009.
On the way home, I was searching my emotions. There wasn't much of anything there.
The thought crossed my mind that even though I wasn't 'happy' - recognizing that what I had just done was very serious and impacting to many lives - I wasn't 'sad' either.
I guess I would be sad if I felt I was losing something dear to me?
The realization of that thought spoke volumes.

Why was I divorcing him? - Part 1

2009-05-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Was there any physical abuse?" Her dark eyes seem to pierce through the cascades of wild, mesmeric golden curls which seemed as strong willed as the woman who possessed them. I couldn't help but wonder if she had any 'good hair days'!
"No", I replied, sitting on the edge of the couch, tense, hands clasped and praying that the stack of files on my lap wouldn't somehow slide to the floor.
"Did he cheat on you?"
"No, he didn't..."
"Then, why are you wanting to divorce him?" It was difficult to tell if she couldn't believe that I was wanting to divorce him, or if she couldn't wait to find out what the real reason was.

I got the impression that this attorney's case load was heavy on the 'crisis and trauma' side of law practice. Earlier, when I was waiting in the entry, I over heard her hurling statements of disgust and frustration over a female client who hadn't appeared in court, missed her opportunity to file her restraining order and then had gone back to 'his' house that night. The attorney's anger was blasted in searing and foul language at her receptionists. I almost left the waiting area, not knowing what I would be facing in her office.

My situation didn't look like many of the cases she handled on a daily basis. I wondered just how she would view my case....

Why was I divorcing him? Everyone who knows him thinks highly of him. All of his buddies from school, all of his work associates, all of the friends we've made over the years, all of his family --- all of them think of him as a good man, wonderful, peaceful, dependable.

Why was I divorcing him? I lived with him for 30 years. I did his laundry, made the meals, raised his children, supported his ventures, cheered him on, kept his home in order, entertained hundreds of people for his enjoyment over the years. He would do any little thing I needed done - at the moment. I was free to go visit family whenever I wanted to. I explored my talents as opportunity would allow. I had complete access to the check book. I thought that hundreds of women would trade places with me in a heartbeat.

Then, why was I divorcing him?

Thirty years ago, I remember the knot in the pit of my stomach as I got ready for the wedding. I knew the seriousness of the ceremony I was about to go through, and I felt I would be entering into a place of no return. My beliefs, my values, and my pride, at the time, told me that this was a 'forever' committment.

There were feelings of uncertainty even then, however. I didn't feel the emotions that I'd heard so many brides-to-be feel. In place of emotions I mentally walked through each step of the day - continuing to go forward. What bothered me, was that even though we were 'good kids', we liked each other, had similar goals in life - there was no chemistry. I didn't feel loved by him, even though he would swear that he did and to make matters worse, I realize now that I wasn't in love with him.

As a 20 year old bride, I felt that we had enough 'like' between us, enough character, enough of God to make it work. I would just build my life as happy and keep doing the right thing and thought that all would be well.

As early as our wedding night, however, the ball began to unravel. He had forgotten our suitcases at his parent's house, which was an hour and a half away and, to make matters worse, the 'cabin' he had reserved was disgustingly disappointing. The feelings of insecurity began there as well as the mental processes of trying to figure out how I could get out of this 'forever situation'.

Advice From a Divorcee

2009-05-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants to know 'why' I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing, at the moment.

Why am I changing the registration on the vehicle?
Why am I asking for a Market Analysis on the house?
Why am I removing his name as an authorized user of my credit card?
Why? Why?? Why???

The real estate agent came this morning, and in the course of conversation, she asked
"Why are you going to sell the house?"
When I told her I was in the middle of a divorce, she went into immediate empathy mode, because she, herself, had 'been there, done that'. She made a couple of interesting comments - obviously spoken from experience.

One comment was, "Divorce is never easy - even if you're the one who has made the decision." She is right. Even though I made the decision, and even though I am not feeling loss of anything to do with the marriage, it still is not easy.
Tonight I am weary of all the decisions I've had to consider and make and all the action I've had to take over the last couple of months. Tonight, I wish it wasn't Mother's Day tomorrow - I feel obligated to take my daughter to church, but I don't want to go and face people and even if I did want to go, I'm not sure where that would be. Tonight, I feel emotional numbness and some fear, because I am only at the very beginning of this process, and there's at least 3 months ahead for me to make more decisions, more people to face, more occasions to deal with.
A second comment the realtor made was, "Divorce is worse than a death..." and we both said, almost in unison, "...because there is no finality to it." I've experienced the loss and grief of death in my family, and I know that as stressful, intense and painful loss through death can be, there is a point where you find the 'ending' - your loved one is gone and your mind and emotions are not assaulted by the reminder of the death after a while. But, with divorce, the marriage ends; but there is the constant reminder when you have to interact with 'him' that there was this painful place in your life and its not the divorce. It was your marriage - and it comes up in your face everytime you have to deal with some issue with him again.
A third comment she made was, "No one can know what you're going through, unless they have been divorced." Its true. No one can know how it feels to have such disappointment, such pain or void in relationship, such vacancy of hope that it would bring you to the point of wanting a divorce. And, because they've not experienced it, or maybe they don't want to face it themselves, they can't imagine why you can't just change your mind and 'try again', or submit to God and 'him' and stay married! No one can understand the point of desperation for life that brings you to this paradigm shift in thinking and living which affects so many around you.
Fourthly, as she was leaving, she tried to encourage me by saying, "Remember, there is life after divorce." And, believe me, that life that I long for, is what makes this hell worth enduring for now.

Phone Call to Sister

2009-05-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Well, Louise, no one can say that 30 years is not giving it your best..." The tears welled up in my eyes with a force behind them that made me realize how deep my need was to hear her affirmation. My sister and I have been very close since little girls; so much so, that we were often asked if we were twins, but, making this phone call was probably the hardest I would have to make at this time in my life.
Because of her religious background, I feared the worst. I could see how she could have frowned on my decision for many reasons. I expected her to put a distance between us because of my 'sinful action'.
But, instead, I found the love of a sister that I could only hope for. She reminded me of a visit we'd had 18 years ago, when I, at that time, had confided in her the concerns I had for my marriage. The concerns had never changed - they were the very same.
She was so kind and understanding, supportive and tender. She cried. I cried.
Its times like this that the reality in people comes out. Regardless of what it looks like on the outside, you can never really be sure what's on the inside until something like divorce, or death, or any other major catastrophe happens.
This is a time when I am finding out what's on the inside of many people in my life, and so far, its been an incredible surprise. This will help me continue on the journey - not that I will want to change my mind, but it will give me strength to finish well.

"I Want a Divorce"

2009-05-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

He sat at the head of the table, where he usually sits. I sat to his right, where I've sat for years. I had made an appointment with him to tell him what decision I'd come to about my future - our future. The file folder in front of me made this feel so formal and yet, I could tell that he was hopeful.
I fingered the smooth, slim, silver metal pen in an effort to keep myself cool and focused. I didn't want this to get heated, derailed or ugly - I just wanted to communicate what I decided.
I am getting used to the feeling of having to gather everything in me and put it in order - commanding all faculties to be at their best. That requires so much effort sometimes! ! !
The thought of trying to get out of my marriage first crossed my mind within the first 24 hours of the wedding, and over the years, the thought resurfaced many times; but, I'd always talked myself out of it, for many reasons I thought were more convincing.
I had left, once, and said that I wasn't sure I'd be coming back, but I did. I had never gotten to the point of asking for a divorce or declaring that I was going to divorce him, so that hearing my voice say the words "I want a divorce", for the first time, seemed surreal - was this really me saying this? Was I really saying it to him?
His countenance changed becoming more defensive and offensive at the same time. He wanted explanations, proofs, basis. I'm sure he couldn't believe there was any valid reason to divorce him. He challenged my moral and religious thinking. I purposed to remain within my boundaries and didn't answer anything I didn't want to.
I kept reminding myself that this wasn't a discussion. I didn't have to defend my position. I knew I wasn't making a crazy, off-the-cuff decision. I had made it after taking lots of counsel and heavy consideration, over the time span of years.

There were things that were unchangeable and I knew that we had tried to change them before. I had come to the decision that I couldn't live with those things any longer, especially knowing that there would be no hope of them changing.
It was obvious I had dealt a terrible blow to his heart and to his life. I tried to be careful - I didn't want to inflict unnecessary pain, but I needed to finish presenting my case to him and I felt the words come out slowly, carefully, almost visibly into the air.
He stared at the papers in front of him - the summons and petition for the dissolution of marriage that he would have to sign.
The emotions and questions that flew through me - sometimes all at once - were staggering. "What will he do?"
"Where will he go?"
"Does he realize I'm doing this for him too - for him to find happiness, love and life?"
"What am I stepping in to?"
"I'm finally over the threshold to freedom!"
"There's a huge chunk of our lives that now exists disconnected from the rest."
"I did the best I could for 30 years and I've done the best I can today."
sadness, relief, lighter, concern, anticipation, peace...
Eventually, he changed again and expressed that he wanted to make sure I would have enough, that all would be done with our daughter in mind and he voiced concern about what people were going to say to me.
We finished talking, he picked up the papers I had given him and left the house. As I watched him I was so aware of the contrast between us. In one moment, one decision, he was depressed, shocked, feeling life, as he knew it, end. I, on the other hand, was relieved, feeling life begin. And somehow, I was ok with what I saw, because, I knew that someday he will feel life begin, too.

The Abbey - Part 3

2009-05-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I know that it is common for people to form preconceived notions, and unfortunately, I find that my preconceived notions are formed on little or inaccurate information. So, it can be a pretty faulty conclusion that I come to, and really embarrassing when I am confronted with the truth. I suppose, only the wisest people know how to wait before making an opinion about something. I hope I get better at that.

I had preconceived notions about monks and the life of monks. I had never met one in my life, and had done only a minimal amount of reading - just before my journey there - so my scope of reference was pathetic and not well founded.

At the Abbey, I was face to face with real men with real lives, real gifts, real personalities, real strengths, real weaknesses, real passion for what they were pursuing. They weren't piously murmuring prayers under their breath, though they devoted several times a day to prayer. However, when they were with each other or visitors, like myself, they were present, engaging, genuine, interested, humorous and vulnerable.

The word 'cloister' used to produce negative images in my mind - I don't know where I got those ideas, but when I would hear the word, I would imagine people in a box-like building, dusty and old and locked up. What I found, in reality, was men, living life together with peace, joy, freedom, and involvement in the world around them to spread the hope they carry in their hearts. I found living hope among them as they lived honestly knowing their shortcomings and supporting one another in their pursuit of God's saving grace in their lives.

How was I affected? I was faced with my own pretensions, my own false piety, my own images that I tried to maintain all my life - to myself, to my family, to my community, to my church. I shielded who I really was from people's observations. And, as a result, I feared doing anything that would ruin my reputation - the structure I had built. I couldn't be honest like these men were. I had too much to lose, too much to affect, too much to answer for.

In coming to the Abbey to think, I thought I was seeking freedom from my marriage - which was a very valid consideration - but I found that I had as many constraints on myself as my relationship with my husband did. I had to be set free from myself - and I was.

At the Abbey, in the midst of the monks, I realized I am a human being with feelings, needs, weaknesses and sins - none of which should keep me from enjoying or pursuing what I want in life. I can grow in the journey, only as I recognize my humanness and continue to find God's power to save me, to change me, to keep me in spite of myself.

I love you, Monks of the Abbey! Thank you for showing me real freedom. Thank you for showing me that its ok to be human. It's actually more than ok - its great! I will make mistakes, but that's because I'm human. I will keep trying - that's what makes the difference.

The Abbey - Part 2

2009-05-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

..."I could fly in the open spaces of my own thoughts and desires!"

Open spaces - As I drove for hours to get to the Abbey, I drove through miles and miles of vast open spaces of farm land. This would be boring at any other time, I'm sure, but on that day it was spectacular. It seemed to be a mirror image of my thoughts and feelings. I could see nothing, sometimes, for miles, except the gentle rolling of the fields. The soil had been recently tilled and it seemed to vibrate with promise, again being a visual of my situation.

I had the Public Radio Station on and the classical music selections were perfect. The whole drive afforded me pleasure that I will never forget. I was flying on the inside and flying on the outside.

I arrived at the Abbey in the late afternoon. It was very quiet. I found my room, moved my luggage in and checked the schedule to find out when dinner was available. The peace in that place was as thick and heavy as a warm woolen blanket, and even though there was nobody around, I could still sense their presence, and it only added to the sense of safety and quiet joy that I was experiencing.

I was early for dinner, so I walked outside for a while, trying to find a cell phone signal - not easy in the middle of nowhere, and though I was unsuccessful at that, I did find more openness, more peace, more places for my heart to open up to and be refreshed. The wind felt like it could blow right through my body and mind, airing out all the rooms that had been closed up for who knows how long.

I realized, that by some great coincidence, this was the best place I could be. This was the contrast I so desperately longed for. This was the period at the end of the sentence.

The Abbey - Part 1

2009-04-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

There can be so much pressure, fear, uncertainties, obstacles, hurdles and loop holes, even just on the way to filing for a divorce! I could feel the mental and physical exhaustion from having to deal with situations that demanded so much from me in ways that I am not used to handling taking hold and blurring my vision.
Earlier, I had planned a trip to get away to begin a project I had been considering for a few years. But, as the time grew close, I decided the time would be used to accomplish more than one purpose.
I decided I needed to get away to take stock of all that I had done so far, all that was left to do and to be alone with my thoughts; try to find out who I am right now. If I was successful in beginning my original project, that would be fine, but now it wasn't the priority.
This was a really good idea; one that I highly recommend! We all need a break from the action to regroup and fuel up again for the next part of the game plan.
I chose to go to an Abbey. That's right - actually a monastery with monks! I figured that it would be quiet and safe there. If I needed to talk, I could probably find someone who would be willing to sit down and help me sort through some stuff.
I had no idea what to expect. I just knew that, if nothing else, I could sit in my room and think, sleep, think some more and sleep again. All of the 'events' of the last few months left me pretty willing to accept solitude.
One thing that I didn't realize, was how exhilarating it would feel leaving home with the mindset that I was no longer a part of the home. I've been headed in the direction of being an individual for the first time in many, many years, but I had no idea what it would feel like in 'real life'. It was so empowering that I even entertained the idea of extending my stay at the Abbey - just because I could - though I did not.
It was so freeing to step out on my own and be in the world detached from the familiar ties that had governed my every choice. I could explore what I wanted to explore. I could consider what I really wanted - my own preferences. I could experience anything I wanted to! I felt like a bird set free from her cage - I could fly in the open spaces of my own thoughts and desires!
Yes, I needed the break! I hope you can take one too, if you need one!
(more about the Abbey to come)

The Accountant - Part 3

2009-04-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

When I stepped out onto the concrete sidewalk, I thought my legs were going to collapse like towers of jello blocks. Every nerve in my body was keenly alert and registering the tremors, the after shocks, that ehoed through my entire body. I could hardly hear, my head pounding and every step felt awkward and unsteady. And all the while, I'm trying to think what the next sentence will be. What is the next move? Do I say anything to my husband? Do I ignore him? What is he going to do? He was so unpredictable in the office, what will he do out here?

As I neared my vehicle, I was aware that he came out of the building when I heard a major 'SPLAT' sound. I turned to see that the file he had grabbed for with all his might had been dropped to the ground near his feet, so he could put on his jacket. It was a tempting thought to run over there to get the file, but that thought quickly dissolved into the 'Ridiculous' file of my brain.

The last few exchanges of words were not pleasant. I made my point that what I had done in the office was what he should have done a long time ago and that the file needed to go to someone who would be able to help us, and at about that point, all of the energy I had summoned and expended, all of the emotions that had fueled my ability to accomplish my purpose, suddenly, seemed to explode in one final burst - and out of control. I opened the door, got in the van and yelled back at him, "You're a damn fool!" As soon as I said those words, my heart cringed - I had never spoken to him that way before. Now there was definitely a line drawn in the sand.

Even with all the anger, frustration, and decisiveness that filled my soul at that point, I was amazed with the flip that can happen in a moment. My husband peeled out of the parking lot - and I was then yanked in my heart to questions about where he might go, what might he do and should I have done anything differently.

I immediately called my friend and told them all that I had experienced. You really need someone like this person in your life at times like this. As I talked and cried, all that came back to me were words of congratulations, affirmation and encouragement. I sat in the van for a long time - stunned, grateful, pleased, accomplished.

I had a major job to do. I had no idea what to expect. But, I did the best I could to get ready and I did the best I could in the delivery. I addressed the issue and I got the file. Now, finally, we can go somewhere with this case.

The Accountant - Part 2

2009-04-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have had to take this responsibility or this stance if my husband had dealt with it years ago, and I wouldn't have dreamt that I would have taken it on - ever. But, in the scheme of things, this issue needed to be addressed and it was obvious I was going to have to do it because it just wasn't going to go away by itself.
I had prepared a strategy - leading questions to get the accountant to say what she wanted me to hear, and then, with every ounce of confidence I could summons I told her what I had researched, who I had consulted with, and how the information I had gathered brought into question her integrity and the seriousness of her failure to represent us.
She looked like she would faint. My husband looked like he didn't know who I was. I felt alone and unsupported but I had to continue with my purpose which was to get our file. I couldn't stop at this point. However, when I asked for it, she argued that she couldn't give it to me because it was 'her work papers'.
I had gotten too far into this project to back down now. I knew better, but I needed some reinforcement. So, to emphasize my point, I called my attorney in front of them to verify that I had understood his counsel. I also dropped the name of the Washington State Board of Accountancy in Olympia - at which point, the accountant reacted in such a way that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she knew how much trouble she was really in.

The hardest thing to deal with was how my husband sided with the accountant, and maintaining my focus when both of them tried to distract me with other questions. To avoid this happening, I kept my answers brief and non-informative. I really didn't have to explain anything to them - I just needed to get the file.

She finally gave over what she 'could' - retaining her work sheets. But, the instant she laid it on top of the desk, my husband literally lept out of his chair and grabbed the file - a move I was not prepared for. When I asked him what he was going to do with the file, I wasn't prepared for his response either. "I'm going to keep it until I know what in the hell you are planning to do with it!"

Even though I was in shock, I remained collected and said that I wasn't about to discuss that with him in that office - at which point I thanked the accountant and walked out.

The Accountant - Part 1

2009-04-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

"That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
I know that we can think that every hard thing we do is the hardest thing we've ever done, but this time I had no doubt.
In order to get to the bottom of a financial issue involving the IRS, I had to not only do the research, but I was the one that was going to have to face the giants my husband had ignored for 5 years.
There haven't been many times when I have had to 'stand up' and question an authority, but today, I was standing up against what we had been led to believe by an accountant we had entrusted our case with, and I was standing up against my husband who was not at all prepared for what his wife was about to do.
I was well rehearsed. I had the documentation. I had the right motive and confidence that what I was doing was long past time having needed to be done. But still, I was shaking when I arrived in the parking lot. These kinds of encounters are not pleasant or predictable. I really had no idea how the accountant or my husband would respond.
The opposing emotions are exhausting - confidence and doubt, purpose and defeat, peace and fear. This kind of maneouver is not for the weak, and even if you think you are strong, it takes so much strength and energy out of you. But, the thought, the hope that keeps me going is that this is just a step toward my goal. I can do this today and after I do, it will be a well won victory toward my independence and freedom.

Strength and Support

2009-04-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

I am needing strength and courage to do many things I need to do right now.
There is information I need to access - bank accounts, files that I need to study.
There are professionals I have to address with purpose and pressure -
attorneys, accountants, IRS.
There are questions I need to consider -
approaches that need to be calculated -
plans that need to be made -
But, with every step, with every piece of the puzzle I find and put into place, I gain new strength. The process is exhausting - but the feeling of accomplishment is exhilarating, and I know that this is simply the training ground which builds the muscles I will need in the future as I take on full responsibility for my own life.
I cannot do this alone though. I would never recommend that anyone try to do this alone.
I have a couple of friends - a human and a Divine. Between them, I have an incredible support team. They listen, question, guide, comfort, encourage, strengthen, and even distract me sometimes for my own good. I would not advise any woman to try and go this road alone. The support team is vital to the success you desire. Everyday, I say 'Thank you' more than anything else, and that often times, does not seem to be enough.

When Positive and Negative Emotions Co-exist

2009-03-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

"[There is] a time for mourning, a time for dancing" (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

"But mourning and dancing are never fully separated. Their "times" do not necessarily follow each other. In fact, their "times" may become one "time." Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts. Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief. We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy. We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness. Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness - they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh. Let's trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other." Henri Nouwen

I feel the reality of this thought acutely today. My thoughts and emotions flow constantly in no particular pattern or sequence. At any given moment, I think about the loss of our daughter, who would have celebrated her 26th birthday today - and before the thought can be fully focused, I realize she is not here, she has been with Jesus for over 3 years.
Her sister celebrated her 23rd birthday yesterday and it was a wonderful evening of fun and laughter mixed with tears when I gave her my mother's engagement ring - something she has wanted for a long time and did not expect to have so soon. And yet, all through the evening, thoughts of separation floated in and out of my mind's eye - Is this the last time we will be together? How soon and how drastic will life change for us? What will our son's 21st birthday be like in just a few short weeks?
My daughter sat on my left - totally caught up with the joy of her day, the guests around her table, the excitement of being the center of attention. My husband sat on my right - in another world where he was not the center, he was lost and disconnected from the family group - he took up conversation with the lady next to him.
Joy and sorrow co-exist in many ways, if we will let them - between people, interwoven in the fabric of our circumstances - in our memories - in our present thoughts.
Even though I am walking through the most difficult process I think I will ever face in this life - leaving my family after 30 years - I still have times of happiness, I can still enjoy special moments, sweet company, fun events, even laughter and light conversation.

Hedonism

2009-03-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

I learned a new word this morning

HEDONISM

Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the senses.
Philosophy The ethical doctrine holding that only what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good.
Psychology The doctrine holding that behavior is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

Saying "Divorce" for the First Time

2009-03-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

The "D" word was never spoken between us. For the Christian couple, especially a couple in ministry, especially a couple married for 30 years with 6 children, it definitely was not on the radar. We wouldn't even breathe the word in our minds, let alone contemplate it as a valid consideration.
Its not like we had obvious problems that would warrant such action. Surely our Christian love and principles could get us through any difficulty that would arise? Just keep loving. Just keep giving. Just keep forgiving. Just keep doing the same thing over and over again.
"Divorce" was not an easy word to say the first time or the next few times I said it. I avoided saying it. I used other words like 'leaving' or 'done'. Even though I said it in a hushed tone and stammered to pronounce it as though I feared some catastrophic event would happen to me when I did, it felt like it burst into laughing in intimidation. Once uttered, it shook all of my world and reverberated over everyday of the last 30 years. I found it hard to believe that my voice said, "I am going to DIVORCE my husband."
He does not know yet, but he knows I am contemplating.

Stress, Though Silent, Affects the Kids

2009-03-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

I asked my daughter, "Are you sensing anything lately?" As parents, or adults, we often underestimate how much a child or young person perceives.
Things have been different relationally, in our home, over the last number of weeks. There are few words exchanged between Mom and Dad. Dinner times are quiet. Even though there are no loud voices, no harsh comments, she said she feels that "...it seems like everyone is stressed out..."
I told her that, yes, I am stressed out, but not with her. I have some big issues that I am thinking about, but that..."I love you, Sweetie, very much."
I asked her how all this stress makes her feel. She said, "I wish I could make everyone happy or just run away. But, I know, I can't do either..." - such wisdom for being 14 years old, but I could feel her desire for peace - make it or find it.
After a moment of taking in the feelings behind that statement, I assured her again, "Always remember, that no matter what, I love you and I always will."

2009-03-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

"There are interesting dynamics

in relationships where there is no 'union'

and yet,

an expected accountability."

Louise Williams

Pretension

2009-03-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

The inconsistencies frustrate me and why do they have to be so arbitrary?

She's 14 years old and has been allowed to watch many movies that are far beyond her years - movies that I protested about over and over again. And I finally gave up. I may have been wrong, but I got tired of fighting against the wall of passive aggressiveness and realized that I couldn't change his mind. Why was there such an issue made over this one?

Last night, she wanted to go get a movie. When he found out it was "Twilight," and that it had a vampire in it, his comment was "Doesn't it concern you that they have something demonic about them?"
How does a 14 year old process that? She came in my room with her head hanging, and her hands clasped in front of her. - "Geez! They (vampires) are fictional! ! ! Why does he have to be so judgmental?"

I held her and I felt her body relax - which she never allows herself to do. I whispered, "I understand" --- and she unclasped her hands and put her arms around my waist - in a hug.
He never did take her to get a movie last night.

Tonight, she tried again. She's resilient and just as persistent, and she 'won'. She has a pretty good track record when it comes to convincing him. He did take her to get a movie, but when she came home, I could tell she hadn't gotten the movie she has been waiting and hoping for. When I asked what happened, she said that he wouldn't get it and that he didn't talk about it either.

I don't like what is happening here. I don't like the idea that she is getting mixed messages about what is acceptable or not. I don't like the potential of her feeling that she or her desires are insignicant. I don't like him trying to be something he is not.

Why is it, when we are insecure, we try so much harder to assert our authority and flaunt our power and often SO inappropriately? Why do innocent ones have to suffer because of our immaturity instead of our facing our inadequacies, our shortcomings with honesty, and at least, think about something before we make rash decisions without meaning or explanation or consistency with what we've done before?
Why do we use silence, avoidance, or even pat answers to cover our impatience and insecurities? Why don't we take more care to reach the heart of the one who needs us with love, respect or consideration - instead of tossing them our passive pretensions?

2009-03-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

I used to think there were pretty clear cut borders
around the issues of life.
Black and White.
Right and Wrong.
Good and Bad.
I was told there were no Gray Areas.
Now I'm not so convinced and I need to
Rethink the Journey.